Saturday, March 01, 2003

10:11 PM

Its been a while so again, true conversations with Lu.....

Lu- I watched beloved today and it had Danny glovers butt in it. All giggled and wet.
MangoDuck:  eww 
Lu:  yeah
Lu:  so i aint sleeping
MangoDuck:  hah 
MangoDuck:  good luck with that 
MangoDuck:  go without sleep for long enough and you'll start hallucinating and see it anyway 
Lu:  shit 
MangoDuck:  THEN what do you do... 
Lu:  i wonder what kinda stuff i have to watch to get it out of my head
MangoDuck:  uh...bad music videos. but then THOSE are stuck. oh well 
Lu:  all right i am getting a kitchen knife
Lu:  its the only way
MangoDuck:  no, don't do it 
Lu:  got to cut the memory of it out
MangoDuck:  there will be better movies, trust me 
Lu:  i think it might work though
MangoDuck:  it's not worth it, man! 
Lu:  now where would "Danny Glovers Butt" be located in the human brain
Lu:  should be right behind the vomit section
MangoDuck:  wouldn't it be easier to use a q-tip? 
Lu: but  we have those safety q-tips now
Lu:  in the white package, you cant get them in your ears no matter how hard you try
MangoDuck:  safety q-tips?? 
Lu:  they are big and stuff
MangoDuck:  kind of defeats the's rare that i use them for anything EXCEPT my ears
Lu:  yeah, they changed the name to
Lu:  "Tampax" they call it
MangoDuck:  ah 
MangoDuck:  that was classic, just there. 
MangoDuck:  [applauds] 

Heh, and on a side note: I hate weekend classes. HATE HATE HATE!
Note to myself for next semester:
Hey Dumbass, yeah I am talking to you, dont take weekend classes. You will not study for them, you will not read ahead. Your weekend is going to be shot to hell. And 5 till 10 and then 8 till 6 will cause you to want to harm something. More than likely you.
Every time you think you cant handle it? You lying to yourself. Don't trust yourself, trust me. I am you.

The only upside is the teacher I have for them. She is a hoot of a professor. She looks and acts like a Barbie all grown up. If Barbie had went to school and learned a lot of things that would make her a doctor of English. Which I realize now is a really really sucky way to put it, because thats not really Barbie now is it? However I have put to much time and effort into writing that so it says. She drinks a lot of coffee ( for her) during her lectures and she gets a little weird as the day goes on.
Well, every one in a weekend class does that for some reason. So, not counting the actual course work, this is what I learned on this weekend class:

Rabbit Rabbit is something you say on the first of the month to keep good luck during the month. Some acted like this was an old saying, personally I think they made it up to mess with my head.

Some women suffer from "Single Woman Cat Syndrome" This syndrome apparently effects women who by fault or design, are unable to have children of their own, or lack small children. The women sufferers buy, find or steal several cats any number more than 5. They give the cats children names, and treat them as the children they are currently lacking. Thereby, helping ease the mother instinct within them. If this SWCS is real, I must be soon to suffer from it. While I only have one cat, she is like my kid or something, or am I her kitten? I am aware that to many cats can get out of hand. And I dont think I could handle another one.
Plus, I am male.

That somebody actually put on an exam that Alice Walker , for the Color Purple, won the Pullet Surprise.

Maybe tomorrow you cats get a real review or something.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

2:30 PM

And now, because Maddy got me thinking about Cosmopolitan I now present for your reading pleasure

[b] Lu-mopolitan [/b] This is just the readers questions part, if this goes over well, expect more features every so often, which is to say, when I am out of ideas. Remember this is joke, if not a funny one

Remember, these are actual questions I was asked.

[i]"my boyfriend likes ejaculating on my face, and the cum really burns my eyes? What can I do about this?" -Jenny [/i]

Well Jenny, Have you ever considered that your boyfriend is actually a space alien with acid body fluids? You could try to trick him in to reveling his sham human existence to you!! (As you know I happen to be really excited in answering your questions!!!!!!!!!) Ask him who his favorite music group is, if he answers, “ Why the hu-man group Creed..” That’s means he is an alien. You could kill him right then and win a metal from the president. With this knowledge you could a) confront him and demand to know why he did not tell you about his dual existence…and get eaten or b) be really really careful around him and wear safety goggles in the bedroom. So it really depends on if your into to being eaten or not. But don’t knock it tell you try it!!!!

[i]"What does it mean when the man is lying on top of the lady and the lady sounds like she is hurting but not really?" Jeph [/i]

This is a good question Jeph! When a man and a woman love each other very much they tell secrets while wrestling. The secrets are so shocking that sometimes they make grunting or sighing noises. Sometimes they take their clothes off to make the wrestling more interesting. Why, I remember when I was a little Lu, and my parents would send me to bed at 7 at night cause they claimed we needed more sleep. But around 7:10, the noises would start. :thump thump [i] creak [/i] thump thump CREAK: And what where they doing? Telling secrets and wrestling.

[I]Is it wrong to suck pineapple pudding through a flute mouthpiece? Maddy [/I]

:blinks: How does one learn they can do that? Just walking around one day and have some pineapple pudding and a flute mouthpiece and not have a spoon? You have some powerful, umm sucking muscles there. But you have to know, you’re a freak. Not just any freak, you’re a super freak. You’re super freaky. A girl that you don’t take home to mother. Have you tried this with other things? Such as car bumpers? Cause the results of those experiments might prove interesting. In other words there is nothing wrong with it, but everything so very right. Oh and call me. Please?

[i]Why are you so different?- Crisco[/i]

Anyone can be like me. Just eat your weight in lead paint chips during your formative years and that’s a good start. Then watch a lot of movie and television show so much so that they form most of you mental images of child hood. The happy ones anyway…. The throw in bullies and humor as your only way to cope, an imagination fueled by madness. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

[I]Tea: sweet or unsweet? - Duck number one[/I]

Sweet, Unsweetened tea is naughty in the Lords sight, may he strike down all whom like tea in this way of Sodom. Unsweetened tea tastes like ass. Seriously dude, Iced tea is just waiting for sugar to be put in it.

[I]Is it just me, or do all flavors of ramen noodles suck except the chicken? –Duck number two[/I]

To me about all Ramen Noodles taste the same, like plastic fatty goodness. So after asking one person, myself, I guess there is something wrong with you. That sound outside? The ramen noodle people are coming for you, you will like their product. I love the home cooked taste of Ramen Noodles! They are two meals in one! First, the yummy noodles then the SOUP! Make mine Ramen Noodles.
Yes they paid for that; yes I am a sellout, you happy? Go away.

[I]Why doesn’t Cosmo use NORMAL-sized models in their photo shoots?

Because Cosmo believes that all men want to date stick thin girls with no curves. Myself? I am not into that. Women have curves and beauty that the male form lacks. Men can be stick thin with no asses. Lord, what the hell is wrong with them? Most women do not see themselves reflected in the ads in Cosmo. These women are not obese but are lead to believe they are because of false. We want normal sized women in mags. And we want them now. Women that you don’t want to give them a sandwich.

[I]Dear Cosmo[/I] (ahem its Lu-mo) ,
[I]Why can't I ever be happy?
Because you’re not happy with yourself. For happiness to come, it must be within. External Happiness is fleeting , you have to make peace with yourself and find who you are and who you want to be. I know I should follow my own advice here, but you can be happy. Just keep trying, and remember there is some goof balls out here in Internet land that think your super cool.
Damn that was real advice. I think I am taking this way to seriously.

[I]How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Ah a question about my speed. First, you have to assume that there is a God that created angels and he is all-powerful. If you don’t believe, the answer is none cause they don’t exist.
Second, that the head of the pin is a certain size. It could be as big as the universe or as small as an atom in terms of an all-powerful creation being.
Third, that your are referring to the mythical angels and not the Angels baseball team. Cause I can tell you, they probably can’t even dance, much less on the head of a pin.
Forth- if a being is all-powerful, and angels do not have physical 3d forms there fore they are size less and shapeless until they wish otherwise.

So the answer is Pie, carried out, as the decimal is the number of Angels.
That or 42. Now don’t ask me what they are dancing. Everyone knows Angels like to tango.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

11:23 AM

Product Placement in movies has become kinda of rampant, hasn’t it? Remember when people used to go to S-mart or drink out of soft drink cans with the names covered by tape?
Spider-man did not just some random can to practice web shooting, did he? Nope, the web slinger used a Dr. Pepper can, and Dr. Pepper had Spider-man images on its can when the movie came out. Small world, isn’t it?
Hannibal Lecter goes through Clarice’s mail and discovers a Verision Wireless bill, with a pause on the bill so you can read the bright, company letterhead.
People answer cell phones and the camera pauses on the logo of the phone. Name brands have come to the movies, don’t expect it to go back to the old made up names anytime soon.
This creates more profits and profits mean good things for the subject that is whoring itself out. There was a rumor that the comic book series Impulse stayed around as long as it did because Old Navy logos and products were drawn into the backgrounds. Now I liked Impulse, but I can see why a comic book that is not a major seller would need and extra boost. Impulse was a nice little humor comic, they tend to have trouble keeping readers, so Old Navy kept a good book around a little longer that it would have been other wise.
There is also something there beyond mere profits. When I was growing up, Marvels heroes always seemed more real to me than DC’s. Why? Batman is based in Gotham City. Superman flies over Metropolis. Green Lantern had Coast City and the Flash had Keystone. They are all made up places. It’s just one more thing that reminds you that this is fictional. Power Rings and Speed Force induced speed are fantastic. You know that’s not real, but when they don’t even live in real places….it makes the fiction more apparent. But, Marvel’s New York City is the place to be. Even though I have never been to New York, I kinda know where things are. Except I know them in relation to buildings that might not be there in real life. I have a good idea where Four Freedoms Plaza is and the Baxter Building, home of the Fantastic Four. I know which street the Avengers Mansion is supposed to be on. I know that Spider-Man and the Human Torch meet at the top of the Empire State Building when they want to talk. Because Marvel’s New York was a real place (with the adding of a few choice building and people) it made it more real to me. If I do go to New York, I know I will be a little disappointed that Spider-Man or Daredevil is not going over head, but I will see places that I have only seen drawn.

I think that profits more than realism is the reason we are seeing what amounts to ads in movies. When a movie cost 70+ million to make and big name actors get paid 15 million a picture, commercials make up some of it. The ticket sales alone can’t do it. They keep raising ticket prices more and more but they just can’t compete with watching a DVD in the comfort of your own home, without the annoying teenage preps. As much as we hate the blatant commercials, they make money. As long as it stays away from being like the Truman Show, where the actors talked about the product right to the camera when it had nothing to do with the plot, it will not get that annoying.

Crap, I bet I could sell that idea to someone….

Monday, February 24, 2003

1:08 PM

Gods and Generals came to my theater this week. The 4 hour long epic that Ted Turner wanted to make cause TNT made Gettysburg and he liked it. This movie made about 4.7 million bucks per the 1, 533 screens it had. Which is disappointing, but to be expected with a 4 hour (with intermission and trailers) long war movie. Because of its length, the movie is only being shown 2 times a day in many markets such as my theater.
For those of you that don't know, Gods and Generals is the tale of the early part of the American Civil War. When the South was winning thanks to having some brilliant military minds on its side.
So guess how this film did in my neck of the woods that had "Heart of Dixie" on our license plates until a couple of years ago.
It sold like gangbusters. Sold out Friday and Saturday night.
We had to move that beast of a movie into a bigger house just to get more butts in the seats. And even that didn't help.
I would not be surprised that the further south this movie is playing, the more money it makes. The further north, the less.
Do people in the South think that the Confederacy might win this time? Even with Robert Duval as Robert E. Lee the South still is going to lose. It shall lose again and again, in every civil war reenactment, every movie, every book. The South WILL NOT rise again.
What about the Confederacy is so attracting to males around here? I can't go anywhere without seeing the Rebel flag on something.
The concept of rebellion is attractive, I will give them that. James Dean will always be the rebel without a cause. And thats what people think of when they think James Dean. His early death help cement that into our minds. He never got a chance to show his flaws to the world. He is forever young and perfect.
Is the Confederacy like James Dean in that respect?
Its rebellion, and it ended just 4 years after it began. So some southern people look back on it fondly. Thinking it was better back then, when really the South never had a chance to do anything but fight.
Most of the people that came out to see this movie shall I put this. Oh yes, redneck peckerwoods.
Men that looked like they just wrestled with a dirt monster.
Women with big hair to go with the men that have mullets. Fat guys in little little shirts. With the arms cut out.
Basically the people that would have had crap lives if the South HAD won. Its a wonder the war lasted as long as it did. All the industry was based in the north. Most of the railroads were in the North. And the ones in the South did not last long. The South had the very rich and the dirt poor. Small middle class. And rednecks, for the most part, are dirt poor and drunk half the time. Rednecks believe in the Southern cause for some reason. Rebellion to them means a better life.
Ignoring that no matter what the out come, they would still be poor drunk mulleted rednecks.
That smell like ten day old garbage.
Old money in the South still exists. They are pricks, the lot of them. For the most part they look down their noses at the rest of us. A nation with them in charge would be horrible. A nation based on the use of human beings as slaves is not a world worth living in. People have enough mental chains and emotional weights to bear without bearing physical chains.
Now I have seen Gettysburg, I thought it was OK. But the people that are coming to see Gods and Generals in mass are the ones that call Martin Luther King Day, Robert E. Lee's birthday.
And they make me cringe.

my thoughts and rants