Saturday, March 15, 2003
Alright, i would like a head count of the people that actually read this site o mine. Use the comment thing to be counted. Just a name and how i know you.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Now True Conversations with Lu:
I have been going slowly insane- conversation today-
Lu: Hey Buddy, Buddy boy
MangoDuck: gee skipper, i'm gonna draw a line down the center of our hut if you don't stay outta my stuff
Lu: :hits you with hat:
MangoDuck: [flails wildly]
MangoDuck: so what's happening, skip?
Lu: nothing much, worrying about Mary Ann and Ginger
Lu: i think they are strangely close, if you know what i mean
MangoDuck: hmm. [thinks]
darned if i know what the heck you're talking about [being stupid]
Lu: :hits with hat:
MangoDuck: [falls on ass}
And this one is all about my plan to move out of my parent’s home to New York of all places.
Lu: I might have to run away from home
Jeph: hah, well, i wouldn't do that. make a plan, carry that plan out.
Lu: step 1-run away with a pole and bandana as my only possessions
Lu: step 2- find circus
Jeph: you need some cans of soup to put in the bandana though
Lu: step3- join circus
Lu: i could live the carny life style
Lu: and con people out of their stuff
Jeph: and all the funnel cake you could eat!
Lu: i could drive Hitlers car around the Southland and get paid for it
Lu: Hilter's car being a 1996 ford ranger
Lu: with a dummy in the seat
Lu: and sell tickets to see Ava Brauns panties that she used to seduce Hitler, Victoria Secret of course
Jeph: of course.
Lu: i could make a profit off the ignorant rednecks
Jeph: heh, i'll bet.
All of this has not been helped by school and John Hughes movies assaulting my brain. See, I have seen and liked Breakfast Club. I thought it was an interesting slice of life of the eighties, a decade I barely remember but hate its music thanks to crappy “Best of the of the 1980’s” lunch hour crap. Screw ‘em. If I wanted to listened to eighties music, I would listen to an eighties music station. But they can’t take no for an answer. I swear, radio DJ’s are the crack pushers of the airwaves. You WILL like what I play, don’t like it? HA! You live in the south, there aren’t but 3 rock stations in the whole south, I OWN YOU BITCH!
Ahem. Sorry about that, back to John Hughes’s movies. I hate Molly Ringwald. Not enough to hurt like punch her but hurt her on an emotional level, in the quick. Something that she will remember for the rest of her life. I watched “Pretty in Pink” this week for the first time. In it, Molly Ringwald denies the true love of the character know as Duckie, or Ducky, depending on your religion, in favor of stupid punk ass rich kid. Stupid Wasp Rich kid loves Molly Ringwald, but also want to hang out with his Sex, Lies, and Videotape sleaze best friend that likes to run around in his drawers in front of house guests. All right, I have been home and not knowing other people are coming to the house in a state of undress. I.E. in boxers and tee shirt. Any person worth half their weight in aluminum cans will go a put some pants on. Because no one wants to see the unrestrained male member flail around underneath a thin layer of cloth. This is a sign of a poor host, not to put on freaking pants. Especially when the plot of the movie implies his 400-dollar a day coke habit. He can afford to be in pants. The movie has Annie Potts in it. I don’t know what it is, but I have always had this crush on Annie Potts, something about her screams out to me. Miss Potts plays Molly Ringwald’s mentor of sorts in this film. Even she can not convenience the star of the 1980’s that someone that loves you for you is better in the end than someone that loves you for the naughty factor of dating the white trash. I guess I am pissed off; cause originally the script had Molly’s character getting with the Duck kid. And because she was Molly “fucking” Ringwald they changed the movie to fit what she wanted to happen. She wanted to get the rich guy. Even though, the whole movie was going the other direction. She was supposed to be with Duckie, but since she was a name in the 1980’s they did it.
What does that say to the Duckies of the world? The decent guys that fall in love with women that are incapable of loving them back because of something that Molly Ringwald programmed into their head. Some might say that its just how things are, that the world does not happen like you think it should all the time.
Its does happen the right way without the Molly Ringwalds of the world. Sure, people have free will. They can fall in love with whom ever the hell they want to. But, sometimes there is no prefect guy. Sometimes the Duckys of the world are the only people that exist. Non-insane decent people.
Maybe I hate Molly Ringwald, cause so far in my life I have been a Ducky.
And I don’t want to believe that it will always be the case. That I will always be second fiddle to the love game.
But at least Ducky got to kiss Annie Potts.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Cartoons today suck. Correction, cartoons made for children today suck. The cartoons that are intended for adults are pretty freaking cool.
When I was a kid, we had Transformers, The Real Ghostbusters, the original X-Men and Spider-man, Smurfs, GI JOE, Thundercats, BeetleJuice, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs , the short lived, but much loved Freakazoid and many more. Cartoons, when I was a kid, seemed far more original and more interesting. The animation might have been iffy at times, but at least they TRIED. Sometimes the same shot of Spider-man dodging something was reused. And none of the “best of the best” soldiers on GI JOE knew how to shoot. Both the Cobra Vipers and the GI JOES shot three feet above the heads of their opponents. However, they were using standard issue blue and red crystal lasers, and everyone know that lasers can’t be aimed for shit. They buck and kick, no way to aim. Stupid laser rifles and laser crossbows are not the future of war, and it’s a good thing they gave them to the best soldiers they had, cause the regular military couldn’t handle them.
The funniest cartoon ever made was Freakazoid. It was smart and topical, as topical as a cartoon can be with the natural delay of animation. It was a super hero spoof, while spoofing movies and television and then political leaders and famous people, like Bill Gates.
-Bill Gates- “My new product not only runs Windows, it washes them! :laughing madly:
Then a Predator look alike that wants to drain the “nerdyness” of the world’s biggest nerds to rule the world kidnaps him. Freakazoid solved the problem by revealing the huge downside to being a nerd; all the cute girls just want to be friends. The “Nerdanator” decides that he should just go after girls and stealing the “hunkyness” from guys like Fabio and Kato. And, nobody cared. Cartoon Network used to air reruns of this show, check it out.
Today, cartoons have been influence largely by the spawn of Satan. A spawn of Satan called, Pokemon. Even Transformers have been turned into a parody of its former self thanks to Pokemon. The Transformers now hang out with screaming annoying children in short pants. Why would a giant alien robot hang out with a screaming annoying child in short pants? And don’t tell me that cartoons like Pokemon, Digimon, and Yugio don’t promote animal cruelty. They train their pets to fight other people’s pets to the death. Yeah, that’s not going to cause small kids to do battle between the family cat and the neighbor’s dog.
Now Cartoon Network has the best cartoon’s in the world. Only, they are late at night on Adult Swim.
SeaLab2021 , Aqua teen Hunger Force, The Brak Show, and Space Ghost coast to coast are the brain childs of Williams Street Productions. All delightfully random and fantastic. Home Movies is the best coming of age cartoon since Life with Louie. That and Comedy Centrals South Park is just kick ass.
Invader Zim WAS a good cartoon show, and Nick kids killed it.
I HATE TELVISION!
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Since I talked about Women’s TV yesterday, I guess I should talk about men’s TV today. Why does the world need an ESPEN and an ESPN 2? Is there that much going on in the world of sports that requires two whole news channels for sports ON TOP OF network coverage? The only thing sport’s television has done for me is restrict Tom Arnold to the so -called “BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD”. The reduction in exposure to the terriblely unfunny, canceller of sitcoms, ex husband of Roseanne, eater of small children Tom Arnold, is nothing but a good thing as far as I can see. Ok, so I don’t have proof of the children-eating thing, but do you have any proof that he doesn’t? Think about THAT before you sleep at night.
But sports are not a male only past time. So I must turn my attention that proclaims itself for men. The Man Show. It’s basically what the “He-man woman haters club” would have been if the Little Rascals had not all died in bar fights. Women are portrayed at best as mindless bimbo cheerleaders, nagging controlling shrews at worst. The hosts have childlike fasciations with the female form. In one of the segments “The Man Show Boy” is being taught how he to can become a sexist pig solider of the Man Show. Adam Crayola (I know that’s not how its spelled, but this is my website and I spell as I wish) is once again the lackey of a criminal mastermind; this time he is not a sex therapist Doctor. Jimmy Kimmel is the brains of the Man Show and lord and master of Adam Crayola. Kimmel’s name comes from the Latin “Kimolickus” which means lover of boobs. His plan, while evil, is ingenious. He used the Man Show’s base humor and high breast count to build a power base from which he could launch a network talk show. From this talk show, he can influence the audience into loving him. Once the audience loves him, he makes them think that the talk show is really just a State of the Union Address. Then he rules the world and mocks Martha Stewart and Oprah’s attempts at power.
Violence is also a hallmark of men’s television. Stuff that blows up real good makes a man happy where he pees. Fighting in a way that defies all logic also makes man happy in the pants. So men that aren’t me anyways. A world in which Ted Theodore Logan, of the rock band Wyld Stallions, can become a Kung Fu action star is a scary world indeed. Well, at least he needed a bank of computers that George Lucas to contact the worlds he thought up to make himself look like a kick ass dude. The Matrix, while cool, just didn’t make any sense. The plot was roughly the same as the Terminator movies. In the future our machines take over and its really dirty and the food isn’t any good. So the remnants of mankind, lead by the last and most powerful government organization, the FDA, fight the evil machines. In Terminator land, the machines look like Awnold, in the Matrix; they look like giant metal killer sperm. The one new idea, which they stole from Grant Morrison, was a highly interactive virtual reality world where the idiot cop from Speed is “the chosen one”. Since Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the phrase “chosen one” has popped up in a lot of films. This, Blade, and others. Huh, Even with the special effects, nothing can make me believe that Keanu Reeves is the savior of mankind. He could not save me from getting my ass kicked in an alleyway, much less the whole freaking world.
[Me, a little sore and not wanting to play anymore] - “I think you guys should just let me go and continue beating up Keanu Reeves”
[Keanu Reeves, choking on own blood] “Whoa, dude I came into this alley to save you”
[me] Up your’s The Watcher’s Keanu Reeves, you cant even save yourself, much less me. You tripped over your trench coat and broke your own arm in ten seconds; these gorillas are going to kill us in a minute.
[Charlton Heston] NOT ON MY WATCH!
[me] Chuck Heston of the NRA! Thank God your rights to bear assault weapons was not violated by gun laws.
[Charlton Heston] The gorillas will not be taking over the planet on MY watch.
[me] I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but you didn’t have to kill them.
[Keanu Reeves] snort, gurgle
[Charlton Heston] Son, you could tell that those attackers were turning into monkey people! And it says in the 10 comandments which I brought down from the mountation that the Lord ,your God, wants the monkey people dead
[me] Sir, with all due respect, that’s not in the ten commandments, and you didn’t bring them down from the mountain, Moses did. Moses was a part you played in a movie. And there are no monkey people.
[Charlton Heston] That sounds like monkey talk to me.
[me] Umm, well it’s a good thing he said it and you was here to do something about it.
[Keanu Reeves] Huh? Gurgle, snort, hack.
[Charlton Heston] From my cold dead hands, you damn dirty ape.
[me] Thank God for you Charlton Heston of the NRA, thank God for you.
Monday, March 10, 2003
God damn it.
I really wish I had a movie to review or some such shit. That would be so much easier than writing something new and original. Why do we need 500 women’s entertainment channels? Is it just to be counter point to the unreal amount of sports channels? I am sorry but kickboxing from the Philippines and log rolling is not fun for the whole family. But that’s not what I am talking about. We have Lifetime, which is ok; you have a place where all the old made for TV movies go to die. Plus they have Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries, which is great cause they re-show the same unsolved murderers again and again just to freak out the old people.
[Robert Stack]- “Yeah, they killed Cindy in a degusting manner: shot of Cindy with her feet stuck in her ears: and they still have not solved it. THE KILLER COULD BE IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.”
[Old lady that lives with 20 of her closest cats] “Oh my God no!”
[Robert Stack] “The murder might have happened in 1953, but we are certain that not only is the murderer still alive, but that he is mocking the Justice System and is going to do it again AT ANY TIME!”
[Old Lady that is whacked out on Ben gay and Prune Juice] “Thanks for the heads up Eliot Ness; I am going to be on the look out”.
[Robert Stack in a snazzy trench coat] “Get that rat Capone!, I mean, No problem citizen.” :salutes:
[Girl Scout knocks on door] “Would you like to buy some cookies? My scoutmaster is going to be on my ass if I don’t move at least a gross by the weekend.”
[Old Lady who hates sweets] :Shoots the girl scout: “Take that you murdering scum!”
See, its good for everyone. An aging actor gets a job. Old people become murderers and little girls that push crappy cookies on you die. You don’t think that’s good? Then you are anti the women’s agenda. I have pity for you, Martha Stewart and her good squad are staking out your house right now.
But they didn’t stop with Lifetime, did they?
We have WE, Women’s Entertainment. Which basically means a lot of movies that have men being jerks and Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place reruns. So instead of the Robert Stack legion they have the people that think the guy that played Van Wilder is the cat’s pajamas. The actual ads for it talk about getting a “pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watching WE” Ummm, is that not sexist? That women eat a lot of ice cream and need to watch movies that act like all men are evil monster beasts.
There is also, O. This network is Oprah’s baby. I fear it. I have no idea what’s on it, and I have not actually seen it. I think they have a penis detection screen on the channel, thus preventing me from viewing it.
One of these channels has the McGuyver of sex toys, the queen of dildos, the mistress of the hanky panky, that creepy old lady that does The Sunday Night Sex Show. Nothing freaks me out more than thinking about old people having sex. Correction, hearing old people talking about sex and freaky kinky sex, is the worst thing in the world.
Maybe these networks are not the for runners of Oprah and Martha Stewart’s plan to rule the cosmos. Maybe it’s a good thing that women have a place they can turn the TV to get the men out of the room. And having a place where stars that have fallen out of favor due to lack of talent, can go and make made for TV movies, is a good idea. But get rid of the crazy old sex lady, please?