Saturday, March 22, 2003

11:24 PM

Tommorrow, i might have a new review up. Then, its off to working many days in a row. Can Lu stand to be around customers for 9 strait days?!?!?!?

Friday, March 21, 2003

11:01 PM

Well i posted twice, cause its nice to post twice.

i really hate this thing i really do

9:21 PM

And now, Lou Sucks is proud to present:

In association with I-M-A-G-I-N-A-T-I-O-N;

And the letter M,

An Evening with Sadamn Hussein, portrait of a mad man.

(Note to readers: read everything Sadamn says with the accent of Cousin Balky from Perfect Strangers.)

{Cue war theme music}

[Me] Hello Mr. Hussein, thanks again for agreeing to this interview, what with the war and everything.

[Sadamn Hussein] Ha Ha HA! It ain’t no thang as you American scum say, And Please, call me Sadamn.

[me] Well Mr. Hussein,

[Sadamn Hussien] Now, what did I JUST say about that boy? {Hand goes to the handle of a pistol on his belt}

[Me, rather sheepishly] Well, ummm Sadamn, would you like to share your thoughts on the war?

[Sadamn Hussein] You must mean the grave injustice the pig dogs of the United States and Britain are performing against the Iraqi people?

[Me] No, I am pretty sure I meant the war, Iraqi Freedom, How’s that going?

[Sadamn Hussein] Wait, before I answer, how many people read your website? And are any of them outside the US?

[Me] Like four or five people which may or may not include Canadians.

[Sadamn Hussein] That’s pretty pathetic right there. Since Iraqi citizens are not among the two people that read your desperate cry for attention, I will level with you. The shit has pretty much hit the fan. I hate George Bush and his snot nosed retard of a son. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

[me] Sir, you are an evil dictator.

[Sadamn Hussein] I resent that remark. Sure, the people are being tortured. And the educational system is a joke. Most of the kids around here think I invented air. But I have the best interests of the Iraqi people at heart… All right, All right I am a little evil. So what eh?

[Me] Dude, you’re a whole lot evil! Just below Hitler but above Martha Stewart when Dictator Monthly did their Top Ten List. You have you award for Evilness framed on the wall over there.
::points to a golden hand giving the finger:: The United States takes out evil dictators.

[ Sadamn Hussein] What about Fidel Castro?

[me] Well…he has calmed down the last few years.

[Sadamn Hussein] I happen to know that he is at least somewhat evil. Hell he killed Kennedy! And your government has never taken him out of power. He is freaking two miles away from the US and you don’t bomb the hell out of him. Why not?

[Me] I don’t know about the Kennedy thing, but…

[ Sadamn Hussein] That was a rhetorical, I say rhetorical, question there boy, try to keep up. Now what does Fidel Castro have?

[me]: in awkward silence:

[Sadamn Hussein] Answer me son, when I speak to you! : hand again reaches to gun belt::

[Me] Well Cuba is a naturally beautiful place, no counting the slums of course.

[Sadamn Hussein] ANNNND?

[me ] …..Cigars?

[ Sadamn Hussein] EXCATLY! Who the hell would care enough about cigars to go to war over them? Oil is all I have and its what they want. Cigars are only valuable if a few people have them. Oil can be enjoyed by anyone, for a price. Why do you think they have focused on the oil fields in this “war”, eh?

[me] Well, because they thought you were going to set them on fire or blow them up, to flood the Persian Gulf with oil.

[Sadamn Hussein] Yes! And I would have gotten away with it to, if it weren’t for those mettleing U.S. Solders and their British allies.

[me] and you said you were not evil.

[Sadamn Hussein] I just wanted to see some people cleaning up the Middle East with Dawn and toothbrushes like they do wild life when a tanker spills, that would be pretty funny, eh?

[me] But oil cant be the only reason we are going to war with you, what about all the decades old human right violations or the rape rooms that Bush was talking about? There is more to this than oil.

[Sadamn Hussein] You mean Texas Tea… ::winks::

[me] Please don’t ever wink at me again.

[Sadamn Hussein] Come on, your government knew I was “colorful” during the Gulf War. And they didn’t take me out. I was just as evil then as I am now. Hell, back then I invaded another country. Now I am just sitting around minding my own business, and torturing people, and little Bushy junior wants a war. Why can’t he just send missiles over every once in a while and use it as a cover to fool around like Clinton did? I miss Clinton, don’t you? Man knew how to party. He liked those “big boned” gals to, never got that one.

[me] Sadamn, if we could get back to the war for a second, do you think your forces can win?

[Sadamn Hussein] They have been surrendering since before the war began, what do you think? Lord, my army sucks. You keep them in line with blind terror, and how do they repay you? Defecting as soon as possible.
:takes a swig of a 40::
I am going to take it in the ass this time. Only my royal elite are staying loyal, thanks to the brainwashing.

[me] Brainwashing?

[Sadamn Hussein] They think they are doing Gods work or something; I don’t really pay attention to the briefings anymore. I still don’t know if they got the kinks out of that gas that turns people inside out yet.

[me] I don’t think you have, cause they would have said so on the news.

[ Sadamn Hussein] YEAH the news is awesome. All me all the time. Say, things aren’t going so good. Could I stay at your place a few days?

[me] I don’t know…

[Sadamn Hussein] Come on your government is takeing out my government just cause I don’t do things like yours. They are blowing up a Pizza Hut cause they don’t serve Big Macs before they go to the Manger and politely asking him to change the menu.

[Me] I can’t believe that metaphor made sense to me.

[Sadamn Hussein] You’re not afraid of me or anything?

[me] A lot. I am a lot afraid of you. Sorry Mr. Hussein, can’t stay at my house.

[Sadamn Hussein] Grrrr ::shoots Lu in head:: Crap, I really should not have done that. Umm, Damn US killed this idiot before he could let me sleep on his couch. ::raises fist and screams into the night sky:: BUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHHHH!


You might be thinking, if I am dead, how could I have written this up. And who is talking right now.

While I sort that out and come back from the dead and work like a dog the next few days , the next update might be awhile.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

1:51 PM

aparently i cant edit my posts. argh

1:48 PM

Something I am working on for tomorrow might take an awhile, and I want do something funnish.
So now, once again,
True Conversations with Lu; wherein our hero chronicles his fall to madness

MangoDuck: i wasn't expecting such a response
Lu: that is what makes you such a brave solider
MangoDuck: oh?
Lu: yes
MangoDuck: why is that
Lu: :: salutes::
Lu: because Ducks are awesome
MangoDuck: i'm a soldier? news to me
MangoDuck: true, ducks ARE awesome
MangoDuck: are you drinking or something?
Lu: no….
Lu: i think the drinking of the board is infecting my mind
MangoDuck: oh. You were being nonsensical and silly, so just wondering
MangoDuck: not that you aren't those things usually
Lu: thanks, i think

[Here, yet another failed attempt at seduction. But this time, I share it]

Heather S: rawr
Lu: i wish there were more hours in the day
Heather S: me too
Lu: to admire your beautiful visage
Lu: [winks}
Heather S: heh...dork
Lu: ß not a dork
Lu: i am a geek
Lu: there’s a difference
Lu: growl
Lu: but only a geek for you babes
Heather S: hehe
Lu: going to write you some bad poetry later on
Lu: and hit your bedroom window with tiny tiny rocks
Lu: i could totally pine after you for years
Lu: the way you type your words, its just to randy
Heather S: hah...
Lu: mine is a forbidden love
Lu: and i scared off another one
Heather S: psht
Lu: pshaw
Lu: i am way to forward on the net
Lu: will i ever find love?
Heather S: *shakeshakeshake*
Lu: :shakes magic yoda:
Lu: not fucking likely, hmm rather potty mouthed for a child’s plaything
Heather S: all signs point to yes.
Heather S: my dad says he loves you

[ and now, dinner turns deadly, or bothering Jeph at work]
Lu: I just got me some hot pockets
Jeph: [wants hot pockets]
Lu: they be good
Lu: {e-hotpocket}
Jeph: haha
Lu: [turkey and ham and cheese filling]
Lu: [warmed to perfection in a gonad ruining macfrowave]
Lu: which is why Lu-Labs is developing lead lined underwear
Jeph: mmm, heavy pants.
Lu: yeah
Lu: Thats why i am also working on anti gravity shoes
Jeph: oh, those would be great.
Lu: so far, they only humm and blow up
Lu: so thats not good
Jeph: humming is okay. Blowing up, not so much.
Lu: yeah
Lu: but they would make a great gag gift
Jeph: yes!
Lu: or rather, i hate you a lot gift
Jeph: i think george w bush needs some.
Lu: dude, that’s subversive!
Lu: [cia agent pretending to be lu]
Agent Lu: yes,secondnewsound, internet user
Agent Lu: tell me more about your terrorist plan
Jeph: well, it involves getting exploding antigravity shoes, and giving them to Bush in the hopes that he'll give them to Cheney and rumsfeld who will mistake them for hats and put them on their heads.
Normal Lu again: shoe hats! I LOVE IT
Agent Lu comes back when I realize I am in character:
Jeph: haha

Forget my sister, I need help, and lots of it.

5:18 AM

and now a song:
Masters of War, Bob Dylan

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave

A-hem, seeing how i have friends currently in battle right now, i am a little upset.
Something funny will be up later.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

8:47 PM

Why my sister is insane and needs a lot of professional help:

Greetings, this is an online intervention of my sister, Autumn. She has lost her mind and I need at least one strong person and a driver to get her professional help. Remember, only positive statements, focusing on I statements. I feel this way; I think that you need to do something else. This is not a confrontation. This is about love.
All right, now that I have that nonsense out of the way, this is why we should lock her crazy ass up.

She is pure and unadulterated evil, the likes of which has not been seen since the last Brady Brunch Reunion special. She is evil, but can be evil with a sweet innocent look on her face. This sort of goody two shoes, Olsen Twins brand of evil is the most dangerous. Lucifer Morningstar was the most beautiful and sweet of angels. My sister can stab you in the gut with a broken coke bottle while giggling. To me this means that Lucifer and my sister are almost on the same playing field. I have a list that will prove my case.

1.) She babysat for this good time party mom and thought out a detailed way to kill her charges. Everyone knows the good time party mom type, they have kids by different fathers and do not see this as a reason not to still party like its New Years every weekend. These women don’t really care about their kids, so they hand them over to people that really should not be watching children. Hell, my sister should not be watching a rock garden much less something that can die easy. These kids were bad kids. Well not bad, more like quirky. The younger of the two hated water. Would scream like the Wicked Witch of the West when water came within a ten-foot radius of her. Needless to say, the girl stank. And not a little, A LOT. She was the stinky kid at school, and her mom could care less. And if you don’t know who the stinky kid in school was, it is more than likely that it was you. Every school has one, like the school slut or the school vampire (I was my school’s vampire, it was neat). So my sister had to hold her down and wash her. This sounds like she was helping, but she would end up holding the girl down and threatening her if she didn’t stop squirming. The other child just did not want to shower, and preferred to stink. Showering would take time away from this kids favorite past time, eating everything in the house. I am not being cute or making fun of this girl. She would literately eat everything in the house if left to her own devices. My sister came to baby-sit one day and there was nothing in the whole house cause the 10-year-old girl and opened and ate everything. The kid just did not get that this was a bad thing, and her mom didn’t care to tell her. As a “day out” my sis took the kids to the movie “Bring it on”. The kid with the eating problem rather loudly asked, “Why can’t I look like that”(referring to Kristen Dunst) my sister responded, “cause you eat to much, shut up and watch your movie”. My sister smoked what she told the children was “Turkish Tobacco” in order to stand to be around them for extended periods. She actually told these kids to go out and play in the street to get rid of them. I just found out all this last night, when she felt like sharing the time she nearly killed them cause she could not take it anymore. Then she went into the rest.
2.) While I sit and watch TV, she has told me that sometimes she finds me so annoying that she wants to beat the crap out of me. And I am just sitting there, minding my own business. Then she hits me, and claims it does not hurt. Apparently, she has some knowledge of my nervous system that I am not aware of and can tell when I experience pain. If so it must be broken, cause every time she hits me, it hurts like the dickens. She bites and hits and claims she did not hurt anyone. So I think this proves, at the very least, she is rabid and needs to be put down. I can’t hit her back, cause her eyes start glowing and shit, and that’s not cool.
3.) She listens to rave music at all hours of the day and night. And she is not on drugs. Rave music is only listenable if you are on drugs, or you want to make someone think you are.
4.) She dated, married, and divorced a redneck. Dixie flag waving, country music listening, south will rise again redneck. And she is alternative girl. She “loved” him. I personally don’t think you can love someone that is brain dead, but that’s just me.
5.) She turns the TV to the previews channel, leaves it there, on mute and watches it. She claims she just does not want to miss anything, but I think its cause she likes the movement of yellow bars on a screen. This is what Manson does now, ALL the time. Maybe they are talking to each other
6.) She thinks TLC is the best channel in the world.
7.) She supports Charles Heston and the NRA despite the fact they killed Keanu Reeves last week.
8.) Likes those lame shows that have the voice over the home movies, and makes me watch them. I feel myself getting dumberer.

And many more. Yes this might sound petty, but she needs help. And we are the ones to shove it down her throat.
It’s a go, take her down. I will watch over here, by the bushes.

What? I am not getting zapped by her hex vision.

12:50 AM

As this nation propels itself to be the next Rome, I really can only offer stupid observations.
So, since I said my peace yesterday, I will give a review. OF TLC!
The so- called Learning Channel. When one thinks of the learning channel, they see images of children or adults learning things they should have looked up in books, but instead turned to television to teach them. Television, the secret lover of so many people in our society, has risen above mere entertainment, salesman, and source of scrambled pornography, to the rank of teacher. Makes sense, actually. Teachers are only really effective if they bring an element of entertainment to education.
So, one would suspect that one of the most popular television shows on TLC should be an educational show of some sort. Perhaps a show detailing the Franco-Prussian War, or maybe detailed instruction on how to write a research paper.
No, it’s Trading Spaces.
Just judging by how may times this show is aired; it has to be the flagship show of this network. Every day, its two designers with two groups of people, and one carpenter trying like hell to make one room in a house not work with every other room in the house. Now, I like this show. I am a fan of this show. But you have to know that these families are going to get this one room that stands out like a sore thumb from the flow of the rest of the house. Some designers, like Frank and Vern, attempt to blend the room with the flow of the home. Rooms that could be in the house already, save the homeowners lacking the skills or creativity to make it up. Then you have a guy like Doug, who wants to take a normal room and turn it into something out of a Thunderbird set. All over the top, and unlivable as an everyday thing, mostly cause the room is like something Dr. Seuss threw up. They have to get rid of this man. Honestly, if he showed up at my house, I would torch the room to prevent him from doing anything more than making it livable again. The less he has to work with the better his stuff is. Once he dug around in this woman’s underwear drawer and found a picture of her in bra and panties in a seductive pose. What does this designer, this professional, do with said photo? He blows it up to poster size and puts it on display over the mantel of this couples living room. Yeah, that’s something you don’t do. There are private things and there are public things. And sexy underwear pics should not be on national television. Well, yeah in a perfect world they would, but not without the semi-naked person’s consent. That would be wrong…yeah.
Anyway, he does crap like that every show, if you have a problem with feet? He will put a giant foot painting on your wall. Want a romantic bedroom? He will put bamboo on the ceiling and make the entire room into a jungle. Which is fun for like a week, but then what?
I love this show, but I hate Doug hate him and his stupid non-helping, arrogant stupid perfect hair, jack ass self.
Anyway, Trading Spaces is doing so well, they made a spin off called “While you were out”. This show is a little tamer. One of the people that live with the person being surprised helps the designers work on the room they are making over. And it’s a SURPISE. They kept repeating the shows premise again and again, after every commercial break, they restate what they are doing. Either they expect a lot of people to tune in randomly, or they think their audience has the attention span of a sea cucumber and forgets what show they are watching when the commercials come on. That, or they are filling time.
And finally, we get to the other type of show that I see on TLC all the time. True Crime Cop shows.
I love these things. But I have noticed something. I have gained a lot of knowledge on how not to kill someone. The things not to do if I don’t want to get caught. I know all about Lumenknoll (I know its spelt wrong but that’s how it sounds) and how it glows green when exposed to blood and ultraviolet light. I know that with a certain about of bleach and chemicals, you can remove all trace of human blood.
I know how to get rid of a body, and make it so it will never be found. This is learning, but not good learning.

Basically, I have the makings of a criminal mastermind. Good think I am a big lovable goof ball and not a murderer in training taking notes on how others got caught.
:throws back head and laughs manically:
Or am I?

Monday, March 17, 2003

8:55 PM

I did not want to say anything. I didn’t think I had to. This is not a bleeding news column after all, merely entertainment. Watch the monkey dance. But this nation in which I live, has gone insane. Not the insane like “you so crazy”, but the Norman Bates sleeping with your dead mother while you do her voice, insane. I am not the first to say this, but we elected a moron. Correction, the state of Florida’s mistake elected a moron. He might be a nice enough guy, but George Bush the second is not what a president should be. I want the President to be able to talk rings around me; he should be smarter than I am. If not in political theory, in basic walking around sense. Our president was nearly taken out by a pretzel. He has made errors in speaking that a college freshman in Speech 101 would not make. Errors that can effect more than a grade on a midterm. A man that thinks the world should be with him, or against him, there is no room for people that think differently than the United States. Think about that. Arguably the most powerful man in the world this side of Bill Gates. In possession of nuclear launch codes that could reduce much of the world to so much cider and ash. Commander and chief to the army, navy, and air force of the world’s last super power.
We sat here.
We sat here and watched him lump every nation that were moderately disliked into an Axis of Evil. People voicing dissent to the war are silenced or threatened into silence. By whom? By citizens of the United States of America, land of the free, home of the brave.
Hell, they have even turned against the Dixie Chicks. The group’s lead singer, Natalie Maines, told the audience at one of their concerts “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas.”
That’s it, that’s all. Merely her opinion of the President. My local country radio station had a “No Chicks Weekend”. I don’t listen to country music, well Johnny Cash is a God amongst men, but country radio stations don’t play enough Cash for my liking. I have listened to, and liked the Dixie Chicks. They have very interesting music, and since they came out against the war in Iraq I say more power to them. People are getting together to smash Dixie Chicks albums. Holding signs that say, “We salute our Soldiers”. This is what a local radio station said about it “During a sensitive time like now, where our country has been under attack, and the fight against terrorism continues, we cannot support anyone, including country artists, who would put their popularity out in front to make such and anti- American statement.” This guys name is Ray Austin, Program Director of WUSX, Huntsville (I am assuming Alabama cause the radio station goes into Decatur)
All right, let’s pick apart this idiot comment. Yes, our nation was attacked by a terrorist organization. This organization is not based out of any one country per se. They are a loose nit organization, based in several countries, including the United States for a time. And the men and women of our military went to where the greater training camps were and tried to shut them down. Iraq is just a country that has a government that hates us. Sure, they did not shed any tears when the United States got attacked. And yeah, they did bad things and tried to assassinate King George the Second’s daddy. Here is a news flash; there are people in the world that hate the United States. That’s part of it. This nation has had its fingers in the lives of other nations since we became a super power. Funding this group to take out that group. Starting coups to over throw elected officials to put in office more US friendly lap dogs. Not really what we should be doing, but in the interest of “stabilizing” we became the world’s biggest bastard. Think like we want you to, or else you get smacked. Now, it blows up in our faces. Not saying that it should have happened NO. Don’t even put me in that camp with Jerry Farwell and his “this was god’s will” crap. The man should stick with finding out the sexual orientation of kid’s television characters. But people hate the citizens of a country for the actions of its leaders. Its stupid, but hey, this country is doing the same thing with the anti- French movement, just cause they don’t blindly follow the United States. Now, when a celebrity talks about their political views, I tend to roll my eyes. Just cause they are famous for whatever reason does not a social commentator make. But just because she stated her mind, does not mean she is abusing her power as celebrity. Abusing power is more along the lines of using the stage to make fun of people in the audience or ex-boyfriends. Wait, that’s pretty funny. Abusing power is what having power is all about. Fame is power. Fame is something you can use to bring attention to a cause. This is what famous people need to do with their fame. But it’s also what everyone should do. That’s what being a citizen of the world is about. Standing up for what you believe in, even if is just Pepsi products and Girls Gone Wild Videos. And this was not an anti-US statement. The closest actual town to be is Decatur, Alabama. It was named for Commodore Stephen Decatur who said something that is quoted on the front of the local paper. Something I think to many people put WAY too much stock in. “Our country….may she always be in the right, but country right or wrong.” Most people ignore the “may she always be in the right” bit and think this country should be blindly followed, and any opposition to the status quo is wrong. This is a country, a country that is run by human beings. Human Beings make mistakes. Leaders are not above breaking laws, and just cause something is lawful, does not mean it should be allowed. There are just laws and unjust laws. As St. Augustine said, "an unjust law is no law at all", to borrow from Martin Luther King. We have to protest, this is a democracy after all. That’s the point. I might think you’re a complete idiot, but you should still be allowed to say it. Why can’t other people get that? Just cause someone says their opinion and you don’t agree does not give you the right to attack them were they make their money.
Not like she said, yes, I think we should make stew out of the homeless.
I should have known something was amess with things when Bill Maher was virtually kicked off ABC cause he said the wrong thing. He said something to the effect of “we are calling the terrorist cowards, what they did was evil sure, but not cowardly. When our method of dealing with them is shooting missiles instead of going in there and actually doing something, that seems like the coward thing to do” He said later that he was not criticizing the military personnel, merely the policies that they were carrying out.
So yeah, you guys feel free to attempt to throw rocks. But I don’t like where this country is going. It’s scary. Especially here in the Southlands. Blindly following the rules of the land and not thinking for ourselves was the rule of the land just a few years ago. Not saying all southerners are like that, but there are enough of them to make me VERY nervous.
I don’t want this nation to be like this. We can be better. Lets just calm down and think about this. Bush needs to watch Spider-man , I think. “With great power comes great responsibity”
Lets not let the experiment that founding dead white guys started go down the tubes of warmongering.
Expect something less rock throwing worthy tommorrow, maybe something like a review of While you were out or something

my thoughts and rants