Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Because no one demanded it:
The Diary of Lu:
Or, What’s new in Louville
12:00 a.m.- Using the Internet to find more info on becoming my own warlord. I think I could be really good at it. It was mostly involved inflicting terror. Burning villages in my wake astride an ebony black stallion. Looting and sacking villages. Destroying the Great Wall of China with my minions (cause if you have minions, you have to go after the Great Wall of China, thems the rules). I think I could rule at least a small suburb effectively. The neighbor watch would be my super secret police. You don’t mow your grass consistently? The youngest of your children will be tortured for several hours. Everyone would be required to pay me tribute, like a couple of tacos, maybe some comics.
1:00am I think I am dying from the West Nile Virus, either that or SARS. Everywhere I go is filled with mosquitoes or infected looking people that just like they came from Hong Kong to kill me. I look over the list of symptoms and realize, yeah, I have that. If I am contagious, this means I have to infect everyone I can before I go. To past it on, like one of those chain emails that asses I knew in High School send me all the freaking time. Don’t worry, if I think the world is a better place with you in it, your safe. CARSON DALY, YOUR TIME HAS COME! LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER FOR JUSTICE!!! ::bites Daly::
2:00 am. Why is it that you can talk all witty and cool in a text-based medium, but you sound like a blithing idiot when you speak to people? Maybe that’s just me, I mean, this guy I know that is a tremendous loser. And he is someone I only hang out with cause I pity him. To give him my run off womens.
Yeah. What the hell is that thing? ::runs and hides::
3:00 am. The girls gone wild commercial is on again. Every night at this time. It was recently called to my attention that one of the “Hottest Girls of Spring Break” is someone I have seen before. Like in person. Her name is BJ actually, -insert your own joke here-. It weird to think that yeah, I know someone personally that people in mass use as a means of sexual escape. I want to castrate the Girls Gone Wild ass guy. Just cause he has actually said, out loud while cameras are rolling “Well, girls are getting to be like dogs that start drooling when food time gets near, they see the Girls Gone Wild people and they show their boobs.” Or something to that effect. These girls have to have big brothers and pissed off fathers, why haven’t they beaten him into stupidity yet?
4:00 am till 12:00 pm- fit filled sleep in which I kick and fight and dream of Alyson Hanigain.
12:00 pm – 1:00 pm- Assorted mayhem and rabble rousing.
2:00 pm- I can’t spell weird. I always spell it werid, for some reason. Its like something in my brain is hard wired to spell certain words wrong all the freaking time, despite the fact I should know better. And I am an English Major; I should really know how to spell.
2:30pm- CHASE THE CAT TIME!! Hey, I only do it cause she will bite me until I chase her around the house. I swear my cat is on crack.
3:00 pm-4:00pm - Watch idiot neighbor kid bounce on trampoline. Bounce, bounce, BOUNCE. What the hell about bouncing up and down in place could be so damn interesting. Doesn’t that kid have video games or something? Hell, running in circles at least gets you dizzy. This idiot man-child is just bouncing his damn life away while grinning like a complete and utter doped up goofball. He is mocking me, that’s what he is doing. “Oh, look at me! I am so happy on my trampoline I can bounce like super ball for hours and hours just to mess with Lu’s head” Does he even offer to share the trampoline? NO of course not. Even if he did I would be like “Get the hell out of my yard freak!” and spray him down with the hose.
5:00 pm- Make pricket signs to protest the church that is across the street. “Keep Alabama for the Sinners!” and “Kirk Cameron’s God is not my God!” Complete with the head of Kirk Cameron that I got when we had the Left Behind movie. They were pretty cool, with glitter pens and streamers.
5:15 pm- Is stopped by parents before I can protest. Flips the church of instead. Got a return flip from an old man who offered to teach me “a thing or three.”
5:30 pm- That kid is still bouncing on the trampoline. How I hate him.
6:00pm- Wonders if I can throw a brick as far as the trampoline. Not to hit him mind you, just to bring real life fear into his pampered bouncing existence.
6:30 pm till 7:00- Test throws bricks
7:10 pm- Realizes that bounce boy is inside. Thus safe from my brick wrath….for now.
7:30- 8:00pm- Under the cover of darkness, moos at near by cows. They moo back. I laugh and laugh. Then moo some more.
8:10- 10:00pm goof of on the Internet. Then realize that my stupid spell checker makes me capitalize the Internet, and not things like cable or television. I wonder if Bill Gates had anything to do with that.
10:00pm- thinks about being lazy and doing a “True Conversations with Lu “ for my update. Realizes that I am the only one that thinks they are funny. Further realizes that this is my blog and fuck them. Decides on the equally unfunny chronicle of the day’s events.
11:00pm till 2:00am- writes this while shamelessly flirting with Maddy’s friend Mel. I am such a cad.
Then I post this.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
New York Preparedness:
“They are going to kill you and leave your body in the gutter.” -Condensed quote from random friends on my New York trip
As many of you know, I am planning a trip to New York in late May. This would not be my first pilgrimage amongst the northern tribes, but it will be my first to a city proper of New York’s magnitude. Oh and I will be going all alone to met up with people I have just known online (with the exception of Maddy of course). Everyone I tell about my trip warns me about going. What to do, what not to do.
Based on their suggestions I have made this “Rules of Etiquette” for the trip to New York.
- Never look any New Yorker in the face; they will see this as a sign that you want to steal their territory/mate. Be ready to fight when that happens.
- Remember, even New Yorkers have eyes, go for the eyes.
- Bring a kiddie league baseball bat (for its small easy to pack and conceal size) and a brick for protection: throw the brick at their face and hit the torso with the bat.
- Bring Beads and colorful shells for bartering
- People in New York will not understand a word you say if you use southernisms like “y’all” and “whataydoing” be prepared to exchange gerbils as an alterative means of communication. Give a New Yorker two gerbils, it indicates a positive response. One gerbil, a negative. All New Yorkers understand this.
- Thicken the accent and talk slower while talking really loud to appear stupid when you want to con someone or think your being con’d
- When feeing in terror is not an option, play dead. A New Yorker will not kill something that is already dead. They might kick you or even spit on you but budget constricts prevent a double murder
- If you see a police officer, put both your hands over you head and drop to the ground. Tell the cop where your money is. Pray.
- Things in New York cost more. Like a ton more. Bread and water is about 20 bucks a pop. Everything else is just to expensive to worry about.
- Upon entering New York, kill some random person with a shiv. This will get you the all important street cred. Then act all crazy. They respect crazy killing people.
- Learn how to hide money and other valuables in your body cavities. Use them like pockets.
Yeah so I think if I follow that list I should be all set. I just need a couch and or floor space for sleeping.
Unless I get sold on the black market for like 5 dollars, I should be ok. Its just a huge city, with people that could be knife wielding zombies.
That’s all I can think off for this.