Friday, May 02, 2003

8:44 AM

X2 or the greatest superhero comic book movie I have seen.

Well, I just got back from seeing this flick. Forgive me if I make even less sense than usual, its 3:24 in the AM. Also, the review will go as follows: first general impressions, second acting review, third plot review (no spoilers). Back to the movie.
Damn, but I am pumped.
Bryan Singer should get a freaking metal. He boiled down the X-men to their key parts, kept the characters true themselves if not what is in the comics themselves. Learned from his (few) mistakes from the first film. Gone is Halley Barry’s accent that no one believed. No clunker lines that talk about toads and lighting.
Better special effects that give you a truer view of how powerful these people are. Storm’s powers are godlike. Xavier is scary powerful. You realize that if he had been born with just a little of a darker side free will would be a thing of the past. Wolverine inflicts and receives massive amounts of damage. Bezerker rage style. Cyclops hangs around and whines about Jean. Which is really all he is good for anyway. While I like Cyke and everything, he does not really deserve that much screen time. He is the goody two shoes leader guy. That’s fine for him to be Captain Tightass, but it’s boring if the movie focus’s on him. Mystique, what can I say. She is shown to be as useful as she should be. Her loyalty to Magneto is as strong as it was in the first movie. She is used carefully and is a lot more than a pretty naked girl in blue paint. And the morph shots are done better, with some of camera for effect. The students are just as great as they were in the first movie. Just little added bits with them. The little boy that is changing the channels on the TV by blinking his eyes, Syrn showing everyone how she got her name, and the biggest scene stealer of all the kids Colossus. He is noticeably bigger than the other students, and he steels up only once, but he is one hell of a cameo. He says to Wolvie at one point “I can help you” and Wolvie wants him to help the other kids instead because he is a walking special effect and they didn’t have the budget for him to be in that much of the movie. But that’s forgivable. Because Pyro, Iceman, and Rogue are in the movie and I think they were good in the roles of Junior X-Men. Not really anything more than sidekicks, sure, but I liked them. Bobby is showing a hint of how powerful he can be in a few years. Pyro shows why in the original comics he was a bad guy. And, I hate to say it, but Rogues powers are just lame without the Miss Marvel drain to get the strength, invincibility, and flight. I know that makes her a Superman clone, but she could have gotten something interesting from Magneto from the last movie. She almost died using his power; some of it could have rubbed off, or something.
The actors in this movie were great. But three just stood out to me. Patrick Stewart is Xavier. That calm as hell voice, even when he is being strict is just spot on. Ian Mckellan is just evil enough to be Magneto, still compassionate enough that you can see his point of view. What other actor could have pulled that off? Magneto’s feeling of superiority and justifiable rage at humanity (which he has more of reason for after this movie) are something that Mckellan can show with things as simple as posture and voice tone. We even get to see Mckellan giving the “come on over to the other side, we have punch and pie” speech.

Magneto- “What’s your name?”

Kid- Jon

Magneto- “Jon, What’s your REAL name?”

Kid- Pyro

Magneto- “You are a god amongst men, don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

Things like that make this movie great. Little things, that raises it above other comic book movies. This one wants to get into the motivations of the characters. Who they are and why they are.
Which leads me to the best character in the whole damn movie, Kurt Wagner, the Nightcrawler. Alan Cummings has the little things about Kurt down. Kurt makes jokes and uses his powers like an acrobat would. He is dangerous yet he does not want to be seen as that. He visibility hurt when Rogue is shocked by his appearance. Something that if you blink you would miss, but Alan’s face just shows that every little jump from new eyes affects him. He is the religious man that the comics shows him to be, reciting the Lord’s Prayer and crossing himself at tense moments. If the sound I most wanted to hear from the last movie was “SNKTT” of Wolvie’s claws, X2’s “BAMF” of Nightcrawler was just that cool.

The plot of this movie is something that could have happened in the comics, but didn’t. Comic book fans will see things coming that non-comic fans wont. I had a couple of jump out of my seat cause I knew what was coming moments.
Oh and they better make a 3, I swear to God I will hunt them all down and hurt them if I don’t get a 3.
Go see this movie, in theaters. A lot. Buy the ticket, and enjoy.

There, a mostly spoiler free review.
Now to get some sleep so I can watch it again tomorrow.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

11:23 AM

This is just a short note to state that late tonight/early tommorrow i will have a review of X2 up here.
Like Daredevil, its more than likey not going to be funny.
Oh and i might throw up a comic review later today for the hell of it.
That is all.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

9:15 PM

Polo Nation

I fucking hate Polo Shirts. Its like if a tee shirt and a button up shirt got drunk one night and produced this kid that they really don’t talk about that much and are embarrassed cause he drives the short bus to school.
Polo shirts aren’t completely laid back and easy going, but aren’t completely dressy either. They are the kinda both, kinda neither shirts. I hate that I am forced to wear one at work.
It wasn’t always like this..
There was a time when I could wear my own clothes to work, hell I even got a tie and a little vest that made me stand out. I was so very proud and my own person.
Those were happy times; we had concerts in the park…
But then, they decided to make us wear polo shirts.
Shirts that look like shit after you have to wash them every other day to say in clean shirts. Shirts that give the air that you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. Shirts that make you look ten-pound heavier, shirts that get you the same amount of respect as a traffic cone. Correction, traffic cones get more respect cause people wont run over traffic cones. I guess it makes the customers feel superior to the employees.
Like “Haha, you not only don’t get to wear your own clothes but you have to wear stupid faded stained shirts now hahahaha!”

Until they get to work and its announced that everyone is going to start wearing polo shirt with the company logo on it.
Yeah, look around and you will see the polo shirting of the United States.
It started with fast food restaurants. And we could care less. Honestly, they are 16-year-old punk kids that really don’t know any better. Who cares what they wear to work? They certainly don’t. They get paid slave wages to make food that I can’t stomach. Why should fashion enter their minds? These are children that are convinced that putting the hardware section of Lowe’s into their bodies’ orifices so they can only get jobs in grease pits and Hot Topic is an excellent career move. Point being, we really don’t care what happens to this bunch of kids. We don’t trust them anyway.
But then more non-food related businesses have these Polo Shirts.
Go to CVS, these are people that deal with drugs. They should be wearing fancy clothes to keep them apart from street drug dealers. That’s the only thing that separates street drugs from pharmaceutical drugs, what kind of clothes the person selling to you is wearing and if it’s well lit. Poorly lit pharmaceutical drug places with poorly dressed clerks are basically brave street drug dealers. If you know where one is, go in and ask for weed and an 8 ball sometime. Ten to one you will get some. The point I was getting to is you expect the person that is getting you drugs to make you well to look better than you. At CVS, they wear the stupid polo shirts to. Nothing screams professional like a fading blue polo shirt. Don’t you want to buy life saving medications from someone like that?
When you see someone in a polo shirt, you instantly subtract fifty IQ points from him or her. It’s just a matter of human nature. Someone in goofy clothes must be stupid. That’s why a clown is so scary. They intentionally wear the stupidest, most over the top with zaniness outfits possible. And that is more dangerous that saying “Go George Bush” in Iran right now. Making yourself appear as stupid as possible is one of the signs of someone that is looking for a place to stick a knife in your gut. That or they are really really freaking stupid. And anyone that can see the state this nation is in can tell the damage a stupid person can do.
So people in polo shirts not only look stupid, but also they look a lot like psycho killers as well.
People at Martains used to wear their own Martains bought clothes, now they wear polo shirts.
Theaters with polo shirts on their employees.
Drug Stores.
Automotive Stores.
Slowly, the Poloshirtization of the nation will over take us. Only a select few will be without the polo shirts.
These will be the higher class, the elite.
The capitalist fat cats that the really nice Russians with their nucker veaons were trying to warn us about.
We all dress the same and act the same.
Listen to the same Clear Channel Approved music. Let Fox News tell us want we should believe in. Buy products based on how sexy their spokes models are and not how well their products work.
We all believe in the same God as the forefathers that stupid people think they believed in even though most of them really didn’t and were in fact deists. We don’t question the government cause that is unpatriotic. We obey the state from the moment we leave our mother’s womb until the time we enter the tomb.
It begins with our standardizing of clothing, and then it proceeds to the standardization of our minds.
Soon we will be all puppets in the hands of the government.
But who will stand against this standardization?
Who will be our champions, our saviors??

The ones that listen to their own drummers. Those that think drums are the easiest thing to play cause you can teach yourself who in five seconds. They have more eye makeup than Kiss, and that’s just the men.
They wear clothing that proudly states, “Bite Me” with an arrow indicating where. They clank when they walk and that’s intentional. They are marked with ink to show what they have done and whom they have killed.
Yeah, thank god for the Hot Topic employees.
They are our saviors.
Hell, I think that’s who the Human people in the Matrix symbolize.
Think about what they wear, they are Hot Topic employees of the future.
Fighting against the Clear Channel robots.
For Indie Rock.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

3:16 PM

What to do with your free time

Well as I scramble to find a way to make the 300 bucks I am lacking for my trip to New York, I will tell you, the Lou Sucks reader, what to do with your free time. Boredom is something that can lead to violence and multiple crimes against humanity. I can think of at least five cases in my life where someone died cause they just could think of anything else better to do and said the redneck death call “Hey, yall check this out!” I do this as a service to all of the stupid idiots that do stupid stunts like those on Jackass. You don’t have to hurt yourself or others to have a good time. It just takes a little work.

- Go to a 24 hour super center such as Wal-Mart, late at night this is important, and buy the following

2 large boxes of garbage bags.
An assortment of sharp knives, the bigger the better for the most part.
One of those electric cutters they have for filleting fish
4 gallons of Bleach
10 cans of Ajax
A chain saw and spare blade
Meat tenderizer
Rubber gloves
A shovel and a pickaxe
10 rolls of Duct Tape
A metal cleaning brush or scrub pads
10 gallons of paint and a paintbrush
Bag of “Just add Water” Cement
Soft Scrub cleanser
Sledge Hammer
Claw Hammer
20-gallon plastic gas can.
Box of Matches
Lighter Fluid

When you get to the cashier, act like you’re in a real big hurry. Talk incoherently to yourself while looking around nervously. And twitch, a lot. As the casher if the cleaning products you chose are any good. Like could they clean up something so no one would be able to detect it.
Either the cashier will be really concerned or not really notice. See how long you can do this before they call the cops on you.

- Get a dictionary and go in to a place of business that does not normally see much walk in traffic. Such as an insurance agency. Open the dictionary and begin to read aloud. Start with real words and in your normal speaking voice. Slowly change your tone to that of a fire and brimstone preacher. Begin to make up words such as Fartolifous- the action of smelling like ass. When it appears that you are causing a scene, request a tip for your service. If it looks like they are going to call the cops, blow with great flourish and moonwalk out the door. Then run like hell.

- This will only work for males. Go to a men’s room and ignore all the men’s rooms rules. Guys, we know they exist; we follow them like they are set in stone. Talk to the person you are standing next to in the urinal. Comment on their peeing form. Say the following to someone “ Well I would ask how’s it hanging, but I can tell that one from here. Ha, Ha” the giggle at your own little joke attempt.
Start small talk while in a stall. Then start to talk about your body functions, in graphic detail. Wait until you here people scrambling to leave the rest room to stop. Bring a large water bottle and five golf balls with you into a stall. Make as much noise as possible and then start screaming about blood.

- Go to a chain store of some sort. One of those cold unfeeling stores of convenience that took the place of small mom and pop stores. Walk into the store; look around slowly until you focus on the cash register and the person working it. Make a loud scream noise and fall to your knees, weeping. Crawl on your knees towards the register while muttering praises under your breath. Beg the cashier if you to could join there merry cult of worldwide domination. Wipe the tears of joy from your eyes. See if they actually give you an application. Fill it out with the information of someone you know but hate.

I know this is kinda short and sense I have done something like this on the Fox Boards I am going to end it now, before I repeat myself.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

5:07 AM

Very depressed, very upset at myself.

so very alone.


I give up


12:27 AM

Malibu’s Most Wanted- the pain , the pain.

I really hate this movie. More than fast food and the current state of this nations politics, more than pop music. I could not even stay for the whole film. It was so bad that a free movie could not keep me in the seat. The fact that I wanted to review this movie, and knew it was bad should be factored in to the general suck factor of this film.

Suck Factor- the degree to which something is just a waste of your time and energy. High suck factor- this movie, Wizard Comics Magazine. Low Suck factor- B-movies that you can at least make fun of the badness
This film ranks just below those “informative” film strips in high school that told you that you could hide under a wooden desk and it would protect you from a nuclear attack. Which if it worked, would imply that nuclear weapons are pretty weak sauce. Like other nations just don’t possess our wooden desk technology and there fore are venerable to an atom splitting weapon of mass destruction. Aren’t we all so glad that phrase has been entered into our word filing cabinet? But I digress. .

The pain this movie caused me is incalculable. Jamie Kennedy’s character is so over the top white boy trying to be a black rapper it’s pathetic. You cringe every time he opens his mouth and begins to talk about how he is oppressed. Despite the fact he lives in a mansion, with his own personal maid. Maybe ten minutes into the movie, we find out his parents were not there for him. They cared more about their political careers and the like to be there when he really needed him. So he comforts himself in hip-hop music. I think that’s supposed to make us feel sorry for him.
It doesn’t.
It makes you want to punch him repeatedly in the throat. I don’t care if his parents aren’t there for him. He is rich, and everyone that saw The Toy knows that rich people can buy friends. My parents weren’t really there for me either. I turned into my own person because of it, not some combination of Vanilla Ice and every “rapping” commercial that came out once people in advertising realized that rapping was the next big thing. A rapping Pringles commercial makes me want to hate Pringles, not buy them like mad cause they are dope and or fresh. I hate it when people adopt a persona that’s is not them just to be popular or cool. And how Jamie Kennedy is this idiotic character that calls himself “B-Rad” is to annoying even for a movie making fun of wanna be rappers. The stupidest thing about this movie is who is coming to see it.

The very same people the movie is making fun of.
Opening night, it near sells out thanks to white boys driving tricked out cars that their parents bought for them. Speakers that play little more than boom Boom BOOM BOOM. Using a walk they learned from a music video, an accent borrowed from a random thug in a movie, and enough chrome for a years worth of Buicks. I just don’t understand that concept. Buying jewelry that looks cheap. Even if its expensive as normal, tasteful stuff, it looks like it was made in metal shop by a 5 year old. This movie mocks them, and they see it as some kinda reaffirming statement. Like yeah, that’s how I am to, how is that amusing?
People that believe doing time in public school is something that gives you an edgy background.
And their goddamn blinking cell phones.
I really really hate light up blinking cell phones. Can you be more pathetic than to have a cell phone that just screams to everyone with working eyes “Check me out, I have a cell phone, I am important and cool and stuff.” Let me tell you something, if you need to display your cell phone for the world to see it means that no one really gives a shit enough to call you on it. Your not that important. Unless you are a Doctor or something that actually requires people to be able to contact you at all hours of the day and night.

In short, if you have half a brain you should not like this movie. If you like it, and you see yourself in it, you’re mentally challenged in some way and should not be allowed to breed. If you are dragged to see this movie by “friends” remember they are not your friends anymore and you have permission to kill them on site post watching this movie. Now, I am off to rent Scream 2 so I can watch Jamie Kennedy die in a van, violently.

On a related note, I loath the words “bling bling” to refer to gawd awful chrome jewelry. I actually heard this the other night from a customer. Keep in mind she was an older white lady talking to her grandson in a loud booming voice as if she was yelling. Think part Foghorn Leghorn, part Granny:

“Sonny, you be good in the movie and Grandma will buy you some bling bling”

Little boy- “Yeah, I be good. I want a scorpion.”

Crazy old lady- “NO, your gonna get a cross!”

Little boy- “But I wanna scorpion!”

Crazy old lady- “Your gonna get a cross to please the Baby Jesus!”

Little boy-“ But…”

Crazy Old Lady- “BABY JESUS!!!!!!”

Crazy Old Lady-to me- “YOU KNOW IF THE I HOPS IS OPEN?!?!?!?!”

Me- IHOP? Like the International House of Pancakes? No its not open 24 hours during weekdays…


Then I must have blacked out or something cause they left. And that’s why I hate the words Bling Bling.
True story as I remember it.

my thoughts and rants