Saturday, May 10, 2003
“So Umm…what are you going to do in New York?”
I got asked that today, and it stumped me.
What indeed am I going to do in New York? Since it was my mom that asked me, I decided that perhaps “Get fucking plastered” would be an incorrect response. I could have gone with “That really didn’t enter my head, actually. I just wanted to go to New York for the sake of spending a lot of money to get to a place I have never been before in order to spend even more money there and eventually get mugged and sold into white slavery. I really hadn’t thought it out, good thing you said something about it, or boy would my face be red.”
Gah, I swear my parents think I am an infant.
So, this is my plan of Action Jackson on the fair burg of New York:
::cue Mission Impossible theme with a little Peter Gun added for gusto::
- Make sure Maddy has not been replaced by a killer clone bot. Inquire about her “core temperature” and compare this with a meat thermometer jammed into her leg. If she does not scream out when it pierces her flesh, take this as a “bad sign”. See if magnets stick to her forehead, do so discreetly. A red flag should go off is she says “Does not compute” or “Danger Will Robinson DANGER!” at any point in the trip. Even if its in the context of a joke, these phrases instantly make you suspect that something is not quite right. Find out if she weights more than a duck as well. If so, throw rocks at her. If they turn into the Village People and dance harmlessly away, run. If they hit her and cause her grievous bodily harm, run faster.
- See how far I can throw Leo. Laugh if it’s as far as I think it is.
- Partake in my first alcoholic beverage. Lose pants fifteen seconds after it hits my lips. Proceed to embarrass myself in ways that you can only embarrass yourself to people you are meeting for the first time. Provoke fights with hard core New Yorkers. Get ass kicked. Believe that this makes women think you are “the shit”. Hit on women way out of your league. Get slapped and or beaten up by boyfriends. Start to cry about your life. Unburden your entire life story on someone you barely know. Weep so hard that you are shaking and coughing from the force of your tears. Make everyone feel very uncomfortable. Then realize that you just had a Sprite. Throw up on Christopher.
- See the sights. See the Freedom Lady of Liberty. Comment on how much of an French eyesore she is. Yell “GO BACK TO FRANCE AND HAVE SOME OF THAT WINE OR HANG OUT WITH SADAMN OR SOMETHING YOU FRENCH HUSSY!” Complain that you don’t think the Statue is wearing any deodorant and stinks kinda bad. Get shot.
- Take careful measurement of an apple. Compare to the measurements of an apple from home. If the New York Apple is not significantly bigger, write a letter of complaint to the mayor’s office demanding a refund for all New York related expenses including student loans. Because, after all, everything in my life would be building up to the point of learning that apples are the same everywhere.
- See if New Yorkers are really as rude as I think they are. Attempt to out do them with kindness. Fail miserably and weep myself to sleep in a corner.
- Go to a public library and ask to see Doctor Peter Venkman. Tell them its urgent and they better find him.
- Look over shoulder a lot looking for Spider-man to show up. Swear you almost missed him five times.
- Take a lot of pictures. Buy and I heart New York tee shirt and hat. Act like I don’t understand English at all. Tell anyone that asks that I am from the small island of Mepous, and I am very excited to be there.
- See if I can catch the city sleeping, if so, call it a wuss. Get ass kicked yet again.
Yeah, so this is going to be an interesting time. Filled with danger and strange substances.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
It’s like Apocalypse nowish
I swear that the damn weather is out to end me. Friday, when I was traveling to Tennessee, the weather started getting ruff. My tiny truck was tossed. If not for the Weather Service announcement on NPR, I would have surely been lost. Now that I look back on it, I really don’t think that the voice on the radio really cared about me at all. Maybe because it was an automated computer voice informing me of the weather conditions and not a real flesh and blood human person. The automated voice of sticky lighting induced death was not really all that comforting. It coldly said that since I was mid way between Tennessee and Alabama, and had now where to go that lightning and tornados could not go, I was screwed. “ SEEK SHELTER NOW PUNY HU-MAN, DEATH RAYS OF LIGHTING ABOUND AND THE HAIL WILL HIT YOU WITH THE FURY OF HELL BEHIND IT!” and then it laughed at me for several minutes.
This in and of itself, while scary, is not that bad.
But earlier last week we had an earthquake.
Now I am going to repeat that, cause that is something your don’t hear everyday from someone that lives in the Southland.
We, in northern Alabama, had an earthquake. Measured about 4.6 or so on the Richter scale. Centered in Fort Payne, Alabama and people naturally assumed that it was a tornado. Because what else could it be? I felt something when it went off, and I assumed that it was a twister with my name on it and just went back to sleep. Tornado’s around here are deadly and if you run, you die in an even more comical fashion than if you just wait for the cold fingers of spinning around really fast death to take you to either a great reward, or eternal torment. Either way, I am not getting my ass out of bed. Better to die in your own bed than naked, buried waist deep in a cow pasture with a church sign sticking out of your butt. There are four things in this world that tornados are drawn to as if by magnets or magic:
1) Trailer Parks or Trailers themselves (the white trash hillbillies are always the first to go, this is natural selection at work kiddies).
2) Churches (I think this proves God has one hell of a sense of humor and irony. I mean he kills his own people with “his house” while they sing his praises, its like the deity is like “You are all my lovely bitches” or something)
3) Cute little girls called Dorothy
4) Helen Hunt
I happen to have a church facing my house. And a trailer on the other side of it where they raise “fighting dogs”. I kid you not. My house is tornado central. Or, at the very least, I get to be on the news to tell how it the tornado sounded like. I swear if I ever do get to do that, I will tell them is sounded like a cuss word just to have that on the news. I expect that, hell; I even have a tornado speech on how -fill in the blank- always wanted to die in a spinning top like fashion. But earthquakes are something I am not really prepared for.
Apparently, Alabama is due for a fairly big quake in 50 years, thanks to all the fault lines that the stupid earth decided to give to us. Bah. How can you get on the news and tell what the earthquake sounded like? It sounded like shaking. As if! No one would be interested in that crap. Stuff falling on you to death is not as cool as say, a hard-boiled egg getting driven into your head with 100 mile an hour winds.
But last night nature came threw for me, it tried to ruin my love life as well as end my physical existence.
I had plans last night, rare plans for me. Plans that involved a woman, myself, and much merry making.
Get yer minds outta the gutter. Dinner and a movie, merely.
Then, the call went out. Nature itself rebelled.
“LU MUST NOT GO FORTH AND HAVE A WICKED COOL TIME, IT IS NOT ALLOWED”
This brought forth an about a million thunderstorms together, one right after another to make a flood of biblical proportions. So not only was I unable to make merry (its not that really, nothing dirty) with this certain young lady, I drove half way to school this morning only to be turned back by a cop. Well, I assume he was a cop, I didn’t see a badge or nothing. Might have been an escaped mental patient with a poncho, determined to prevent me from getting to class. But I did not see evidence of this such as a broken handcuff on his wrist or excessive masturbation. So I turned around and was almost washed away by the water in a river that looked like there was poo in it. That or a lot of mud. But I am leaning towards poo. And this evenings plans are all canceled as well.
All right so we have flood, earthquakes, and unnatural things a curing (a lady that actually wants to spend time with me, go figure).
What could this be leading up to? If this is a sign, what could it mean?
Well, the Mayan calendar was only plotted out until the year 2014 or thereabouts. So we could be seeing the first signs of the end of the world. Beginning of the second age.
I just hope I don’t have to wear one of those one size fits all body condoms that they make people wear in the future. I just can’t pull that look off.
That or the fucking monkeys take over. Poo flinging Olympics being the norm of the day.
Marky Mark trying to warn us about the impending doom cloud floating over our heads, but all we can do is make Funky Bunch cracks. That or ask him about the fake male organ he had in that movie were he had sex with that woman that Hannibal Lecter was in love with.
Yeah, so that’s going to keep me up tonight.
What about you?
Oh and thanks go out to Lisa for giving me the idea for this, and for the promotional things.
Monday, May 05, 2003
Free Comic Book Day
Damn, what with the X-men movie I forgot to talk about Free Comic Book Day, which was this past Saturday. It’s this promotional thing where comics are given away to get new readers in the store. The first one being free and then the next one you start charging. Much like how a crack dealer works, but I digress. I think this is an excellent marketing tool and I hope, if nothing else, it gets readers to try out new comics that they normally would not take a second look at. My local comic shop actually got some non-regular comic readers to come in and pick up some free comics. Since I got them free and I think this is a really great idea, I am going to post some reviews of them. That and I really want to update and don’t think I can be funny at this moment.
Ultimate X-men 1- This was timed to come out with the X-Men movie much like how last year the Ultimate Spider-man 1 was the give away opening weekend of Spider-man. And that just so happened that Free Comic Book Day happened on the weekend of X2. If this thing was not mulitcompany thing, I would not think anything about it, but tons of comic publishers gave stuff away. How does Marvel take full advantage of it and other don’t get to? Away, it’s a great X-men for beginners book. If someone knew only the movie, they might be a little lost but if they had half a brain they can figure it out.
Frank Miller Robocop/ Stargate SG1/ Species- This is the preview for the comic adaptation of Frank Miller’s Robocop 2 script. Which should prove interesting, nice clean art, plenty of blood and guts. If you liked the concept of Robocop, pick this up. Frank Miller only does a pin up in this; thank everything that is holy in the world. I swear, it’s like someone smashed his hands with a hammer and he is attempting to draw with his ear holes. This new style of his is really not suited to mainstream comics. Stargate- ugh its Stargate, I cant read that. Species actually looked cool, I like the writer and what he said about the character. How he didn’t want it to be about a naked hot girl running around as much as a naked hot girl running around with a PURPOSE. So Robocop and Species are getting picked up when I have to pay for them.
Batman Adventures 1 – this comic was interesting seeing how they actually had it for sale last week new in the comic shop. I put the copy I had to pay for back and got the free comic. Good Bats story, animated style art and character designs. I don’t know if I will pick this up as a monthly book though. I have a lot of saving to do.
Donald Duck Adventures- Art and story by Carl Barks, the man that defined the Duckburg Universe. The art and story were great, especially considering they were created in the 40s. They are starting a reprint of the old Duck comics in the US. Pick these up if you like the old school Disney comics. I liked it a lot.
There, a review of some free comics. Go me.
Expect the review to be hard to come by the next couple of weeks, summer classes and the like.