Wednesday, May 14, 2003

6:06 PM

I have said it before and I will say it again.
I hate Hollywood.
I hate how they rarely do new movies. They prefer endless sequels and ripping the plots of other movies. Or doing movies that involve –fill in the blank- meets –fill in the blank-. Movies that you can tell they took movies that were popular and got what they thought made them popular combine that with a popular element from another film and put it out for us to watch.
“Come see Underworld, its Matrix meets Blade meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer!”
Yeah, lets not have a movie that is about plot or characterization.
The writers are not really all that important, pay them in flight coupons or pinto beans, the important thing about this movie is that it is the same kinda movie people have seen before with the exception of one or two neat twists.
Which is how a movie like The Core is born.
For those that don’t know, The Core is Armageddon meets the Birds meets every disaster movie ever made.
This is the movie that had its trailers pulled cause they had a space shuttle blowing up in it. We got the frantic phone calls informing us to pull the trailers from our movies the day of the recent shuttle disaster. Which means that somewhere, out there, someone has the job of watching the news and making sure that something that happens in a movie does not happen in real life. Because if it does, our small pathetic minds can’t handle real things happening in movies. It’s just something that can’t be. If any part of a movie is even remotely realistic, excluding bio-pics (well not really more on that later), the human brain cannot put that into its proper context and it cause much emotional damage. But that’s nothing compared to the psychological scaring that this movie gave me. It is going to take a lot of rubbing alcohol/paint thinner shots to get this film out of the old long-term memory.
For starters, they have Stanley Tucci in a wig.
Yep. I know how shocking that is; take a minute for your brain to except that information.
When you see that Stanley Tucci is in a movie, you have this expectation of what you are going to see. An angry, sometimes violently so other times comedic, bald man. But the makers of this movie decided that this was the film to give Tucci “range”. For some actors, this range is a good thing. But putting a wig on him made him look ri-goddamn-diculous. And then they didn’t let him have a Stanley Tucci angry fit in the first hour or so of the movie. Without the baldhead of Tucci, the movie lacks certain credibility. The whole restarting the Earths core with a nuclear weapon is unbelievable, but not as unbelievable as a man that you know good and well is bald in a wig. But speaking of the restarting of the earth’s core with nuclear weapons, how the fuck would that work? Using only the movies own “science” it seems to be unlikely to work. You start out with the liquid metal core of the earth, in moves in one direction at a constant rate thus making Earth’s electro magnetic field. Now, the Core is stopped because Stanley Tucci in a wig is a dumbass that takes credit for other people’s ideas and for some reason is a famous smart person. Discount the fact that smart people don’t become famous, hell they are lucky if they get laid in their lifetime, and you have something big wrong with the world. Something that no one, ever could fix or even do to the planet. But they decide that they can fix it, because they want to.
Yeah, that’s kinda weird. Mankind has only went a few miles into the earths crust and they can go all the way to the Core now cause they decide they have to?
If this was how science works, we should have everything we ever need at our fingertips. We just have to torture the families of the smart people to get them to make impossible things faster.

- Me /Ding Dong/- Hi! Is this Bill Gates?

-Bill Gates- “Yes, umm how did you get to my door? I live in a Microsoft safe house built into a salt mine with a artificial sun to give me life giving warmth.”

-Me- Yeah, it was kinda hard to get here. [throws axe into someone in Gates house]

-Bill Gates- “OH MY GOD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??!?!?!? SHE IS TOTALLY GOING TO DIE IN MY HOUSE OF THE FUTURE AND RUIN MY RUG OF THE FUTURE!!!”

-Me- Shame about that, the only way to save her is make her into a cyborg of some type….

-Bill Gates- “Steve Jobs sent you, didn’t he?”
-Me- Maybe…GET TO WORK ON THE CYBORG! OH AND ITS HAS TO RUN LINUX!

The ship they are traveling to the center of the earth in is made out of a metal named unattainaum. It gets stronger the more pressure and heat is put on it. And the guy that invented it, lives in the desert and is already working on a way to get to the Earth’s core on his own. For what purpose? Never given. He just likes to build expensive things that he does not sell, for the hell of it.
And he builds these huge lasers and weapons out there and no one from the government freaks out.
One thing in the movie that I really think is stupid science is how they are going to restart the core in the first place.
Nuclear Weapons. How can a bomb that moves outward in a circle pattern cause the Earth’s liquid core to rotate in the one constant direction? Lets say the core is a sphere of semi ready to eat Jell-O, and the nuclear weapon is a firecracker in its side.
What happens when you blow the firecracker?
The Jell-O blows up, it doesn’t start spinning around in one direction. Explosions don’t start things spinning in any sort of useful direction.
Oh and this movie has Hillary Swank in it. And I don’t know what it is about her, but since Boys Don’t Cry I just keep picturing her as a man or seeing more manish features on her. And without makeup and short hair, she looks like a man running around being all kung fu action star. Well, in Insomnia she was very pretty, but I think that might have been cause she was in a movie with Robin Williams and Robert Deniro. That’s not all that much competition. She annoys me to.
With her cheek bones of doom.
::shudder:: Her face is like someone pulled a piece of ham over a skull and put eyes on it. It creeps me out.

Oh and I hate Bio-pics that add characters. This is someone’s life. If there life is not interesting enough to tell honestly, why make a movie about it? Why not have a movie that is “inspired by” someone? Like in the Leo and Tom Hanks film about a kid con artist and forger, Tom Hanks character, the one that they tell you is the reason the kid is still alive and is best friends with “to this day” is fucking made up.

One of the main characters, a character that is played by an Academy award winning actor, is not real?
How is that a bio-pic?
Its not.
Like Beautiful Mind, the film that left out things that people might not like about the real math dude that the movie was about. Things that the book that the movie was based on had in it. The book that had the movie poster as its cover.
Yeah, so Hollywood is a hole of crap.

And tomorrow I review a film that is getting more press than it deserves, Matrix Reloaded.
Get ready for bile and hate.


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