Thursday, July 24, 2003

1:50 AM

Well, the update for last week didn’t happen. There has been great drama and goings on in my life and at Lou Sucks Central. I don’t feel like going into it yet again, so lets just say that people are insane and it’s pointless to try to understand them and leave it at that.

Summer Movie Wasteland


Ah summertime, a time in which children vigorously attempt to shake a years worth of knowledge out of their heads. They are helped buy the horrible crapfest of summer no-brain movies. The summer “blockbuster” is a dangerous animal indeed. The more explosions this sort of movie can dish out means they don’t have to be bothered with things like “plot” or “character development” or “purpose”. Not saying that this summer at the movies is pure drivel, far from it. We have the US release of 28 Days Later, and the sure to be good even though I can wait for the DVD Seabiscuit. With the exception of X2, most of this summer’s comic book movie invasion was a disappointment. Not total crap, but the movies didn’t live up to the potential of story the comics held. More on that later, lets do the sequels first.

-T3 or Arnold still wants to kick some ass even though he is really really old. Which makes since, if I was an aging action star I would totally want to knock some hot chick killer robot around. I believe that the whole message of this film is that you can beat the crap out of a woman if she is evil enough and able to make a death ray out of her hand. And that would mean all the women I have dated are fair game. A central theme in the Terminator movies, if there is one, is the effects of time travel on the world and logic gaps that it causes. This was the subject of a mind-boggling conversation in the parking lot of a local theater by myself and a few fellow movie inmates the night we saw this film. A conversation that was only stopped when our stomachs decided to save our sanity (if not our intestinal tracts) and it was suggested that we go to the local Waffle House. It went as follows, if Skynet had not sent a Terminator back in time John Connor would not have since his future father back in time to protect and screw his mom. If this had happened, John Connor would have never been born. However, in T2 we find out that the bits and bobs of the first Terminator were used to advance the AI research, which would create Skynet. So Skynet must have known that they had to send the first Terminator back in time in order to create itself and, by extension, its greatest threat: John Connor. Now, if you can wrap your mind around that little paradox, I have another for you. In T3, we learn that all the actions of T2 were for naught and Skynet is still chucking robots into the past like they are party favors at a rich kids birthday party and his parents are trying to buy him friends. This time the reprogrammed Terminator has to stop the robot from killer John Connor’s high ranking officers, instead of the now hiding form any record of his existence Connor. Which means that Skynet somehow started a nuclear war without harming any of the computers that hold any useful information to them. Which would mean avoiding certain high population zones that would be full of human resistance. Also, this movie set Skynet as some sort roving electronic mind that didn’t need a host computer. And that it didn’t have a factory or something with which to build killer robots post killing most of humanity.
To build something, you need hands. Skynet has none. Unless it gets hands from a future self like in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure it will just sit around and be evil with nothing to do until humanity comes along and smashes it for stopping internet porn. Without hands, it can’t build and can’t defend itself. And considering that a hand from the first Terminator was one of the few things that survived, that could have well been Skynets plan, get to a certain point, send crap back in time to help get itself made and to survive and then take over the world. Another question is why only send one robot killer, why not send an army? And how did a humanity that is fighting for its life, find time to build its own time machine? And if the humans can capture and reprogram the Terminators, why not send the reprogrammed Terminators back in time in mass to blow Skynet up in the first place? I can understand if they could be easily be reclaimed in the future war, but why not just send them back to help themselves? And remember, I actually liked this movie, even though it nearly gave me a brain of explosion.

-Dumb and Dumberer- this was the most unfunny piece of crap film ever. When the only funny thing in the movie is Bob Saget screaming about shit being everywhere, you have problems. Also a movie needs stars to focus the action around. This whole movie was made of second string half formed characters and a couple of no talent kids that lead them into the very mouth of the hell of the unfunny.

- Sinbad the animated cartoon that wants you to believe that the actors that lend their voices to it are in the movie due to how the posters focus on the character names. I hate movies that lie to people.
- Hulk, LXG for disappointing the hell out of this comic fan. League is getting its own review latter, but it and Hulk have awesome comics, the movies were ehh.

Look for more in Summer Wastland 2, this time its really fucked up!

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