Wednesday, August 06, 2003

10:45 PM

Dear readers of Lou Sucks,

Hi!, how ya doing?

Me? I am fine. I just want to explain why the updates, which were semi daily pre Fox Fest, have become weekly. I think I owe it to you, the readers of the free website, a reason for the lack of new rambling rants. A rant accomplished without drugs or alcohol, mind you. So these are reasons why no updates.

-Working more during the summer cuts into my free time. Less free time means less time to spend talking about how boobies affect our lives and the rate structures of telephones. And considering writing is one of the few things this side of monkeys that brings joy to my life, I have been feeling kinda depressed lately. Which means I don’t feel like writing, which means I feel more depressed, and so on until Yahoo Serious is elected President of the United States. Then the pit of hell will open and Satan, (who looks a lot like my second grade teacher that called me slow) well finally reap the benefits of rigging the last presidential election.
- I recently got a scanner/printer combo that will be used in the creation of the Lou Sucks official real life website with my own domain and everything once I learn HTML. The scanner is neat but the box it came in is more awesome. First off, I can turn the cardboard that held the printer into a pirate’s hat and the box into my pirates boat. And then go outside and play like I Johnny Depp and have them call the cops on me again once I start screaming about “Getting my booty” to whoever will listen.
- The most irrational ill-conceived creature in the entire universe, women. Sure, this is part of the charm of them, and the reason that men and some women pursue them, but come on enough already! Why must they be like they are with the things that they say that make no sense? Cause they are women, you just have to hide and make no sudden movements and pray they can’t smell you. Which is why I use women’s shampoo, they mistake me for one of their own and will not attack with ravage fury. Needless to say, I have fallen in love with a great many of them, and this summer has been filled with this.
- Contemplation of the nature of the universe. Not just sitting around thinking, mind you. I am talking hardcore thinking till bullets of sweat come out of your eyeballs and then thinking some more. I have come up with a new idea for why we are all here. All right, we know that there are a lot of stars in the universe right? These are things we know for certain. And we know that the universe is really really big and black. We also know that it has pieces of rock in it, some of which has stuff growing on it. Like human life. I believe this points to the true nature of the world. The stars are actually part of a collectable game of some type that is played by giant space children. They put this pieces into their dirty pockets and carry them around for what appears to be millions of years to the life forms that came into existence on the pieces of dirt and candy in their pockets. The start of the universe was not a big bang into creation, it was the sound of a pissed off giant space baby being pissed off and slamming his card game into his pockets. The end of the universe will naturally be the day that giant space mom finally gets to wash the giant space pants and clean us all out with detergent, color guard if we are lucky.
- Starting to work on less insomnia fueled projects. My current writing style has been shaped by lack of sleepy goodness, I am curious to see if I have a normal writing style. If not, I will never sleep again until I finish the novel of DOOM.
- I am in the process of training my dog to speak the English language. I believe that with enough doggie treats, you can train a dog to do anything. So far he can say “arf” and “whine” and “cocking head to side and make the really cute looking face noise”. By next week, he should be able to speak as well as the President.
- Spy Kids in 3D being the number one movie in the nation put me in a state of shock so deep that Lu clone number 6 (the one with the Boston accent) had to be activated and replace me. He has a horrible since of humor and couldn’t write his way out of a closet. Also, if I have made sexual advances to you in the past week, it was he not I. Sorry about that
- Lu Clone number 6 put me in a status pod that was stolen by my evil twin. Lu Clone number 6 had to form a rescue party made of the previous 5 Lu Clones while he stayed behind to keep the status quo. This was particularly difficult considering that Lu Clone was nothing more than one of my baby teeth with a smiley face painted on it, and Lu Clone number 2 is an ape with some of my hair glued to it.
- Plotting the downfall of so many pop icons takes a lot of time out of ones life. The end of Jenny Mcarthy plan was 4 weeks in when I realized that she isn’t really famous anymore. I am trying to adapt the plan to work with someone else, but to much of my plans center around a careful deconstruction of Singled Out and Jenny’s many failed sitcoms. Perhaps it is time for the fall of donkey laugher Cameron Diaz?

These and much more have caused me to be absent from you. I say no more.
Summer Movie Wasteland should be up soonish and then 23, a retroflection.

Booya!


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