Saturday, August 23, 2003

8:57 PM

The Ten Commandments can jump up my butt
Or
Why living in the south can be really really frustrating


Even if you don’t live here, if you listen or read the news you know what I am talking about. And that pisses me the hell off. For those of you under a rock, let me explain. In Alabama, we have a history of people that don’t want to go along with what national laws and decrees state. This is Alabama of Governor George Wallace in the schoolhouse door to refuse the desegregation of schools. This is the Alabama of Governor Fob James getting on national TV and trying to explain why a chain gang coming back is a good thing for everyone. Yeah, chaining up inmates like they did in the “old days” is something other than an easy “I am really making changes and showing criminals whose boss, REALLY” ploy. If these criminals are so dangerous and untrustworthily, why have them out of the prison at all? If they are trusties, like they should be, why have them chained to each other and make working more difficult? Don’t forget, Alabama still has the perfectly preserved room in which the Confederacy was made into what it was. The bible that swore in Jefferson Davis as the first and only rebel president is still used to swear in Alabama governors. I still remember the field trip that brought this strange fact to my 14 year old self’s attention. Looking on that ancient symbol of so many things that should be forever in the past, still being used to empower a mortal man with the awesome strength and wisdom of a higher being to run a state that, at that time, still had a rebel flag flying over it I could only begin realize that something was not quite right about it. But I was much more trusting then. I thought there had to be a really good reason, a reason that I could not understand, and I should just trust my betters to know what they are doing.

When you make this assumption, no matter your age, is when you step blindly into the pit of hell chasing a butterfly.

I should have gone with my instincts and destroyed that infernal book right then and there. Something like that should be on display as an ugly reminder of a past that cannot be forgotten, but should never be repeated. It should hold a place next to Hitler’s chess set and Brittany Spears original breasts in the museum of long forgotten failed world domination relics. Not be used to give powers from a deity that really shouldn’t give a crap about the political affairs of men. We hold on to a past that was not a glorious and wonderful as those that cling to it believes. The “Old South” was a time of much glided reflection around here. It really wasn’t much to write home about, nothing that was any good except for a select few rich people that really didn’t care about anybody other than themselves anyway, they loved it. Even now, after the civil rights movement, and the distancing from the sins of the past and letting go of the fondness for that past fails. The computer that I write this is powered by Joe Wheeler Electric brand power. Which was named for a southern general during the Civil War that lived around here.
Two steps forward, five steps backward and a couple of leaps.
Which really leads into why Alabama has, once again, become the source of public attention and again not in a good way. This time it’s the religious nuts that don’t realize they are being played. A number of years ago, the local news brought an interesting story to us in Alabama, about a Judge Roy Moore and his interesting choice for courtroom decoration. He hung, in his courtroom, a giant wooden plague with the Ten Commandments carved on them. I was not aware that Judges could personalize the courtroom they used to conduct trials and stuff in.
I thought they were hallowed places of law, not some guy in a black dress’s rec room, my mistake.
Didn’t realize the Judge could decorate the place as he wanted, can’t wait for the Trekie to put posters of Spock in the jury box and framed posters of the A Team everywhere. Instead of being branded an interesting decorator with no sense of separation of church and state, this became a lighting rod for those looking for someone to fight for their beliefs.
Which is odd, since Christians aren’t exactly repressed, especially here, but I digress.
People turned out and voted this asshat into being the Chief Justice of Alabama. Roy Moore is a tremendous jackass; if you have seen him on TV I hope that is obvious. I actually had an English Teacher that knew him, and said that he is just doing this whole Ten Commandments thing to get attention and votes. Moore has the air of someone enjoying himself when the cameras are on him. He is in his element, a class clown that is taking an entire state along for a little ride. But when he was just the Chief Justice, at least he was still fairly local.
Not that embarrassing, dangerous as Robin Williams during his Mork and Mindy coke fiend days, but at least he was off the television.
Then, in the dead of night, he had a big ass stone monument of the Ten Commandments brought into a court building. Weighting more than the Ford Pinto and standing taller that most midgets, this was a serious testament to his faith, his faith in getting his dumb ass name in the paper that is. He knew this was a step above the Ten Commandments in the courtroom (which he claimed were merely a gift he decided to put up) and in a public place that you cant miss. Some people thought that this was some great stand for the Christian Religion, that God, his own self, believed in Judge Moore.
Others thought this was a bad idea. Some tried to protest, saying that one religion could not be shown over another. It went on and on and back and forth, until the word came from on high (court) that the stone should be removed.
And Judge Moore, a man of law, said that they couldn’t make him.
He thinks that a higher court has no authority over him, even when people in Alabama have launched protests against this thing. He is speaking for the people, the ones that foolishly believe that this has anything to do with religion.
This is an attention getting tactic by a jackass that thinks he is above the law.
When a judge says that other judges have no authority over him, he no longer knows what the system is about. He has no respect for the law he is sworn to up held.
The people that are circling this GRAVEN IMAGE thinking that its something that has mystical powers and should be WORSHIPED are not quite right. They claim to be the last crusaders, but they fail to obey the commandments they are protecting. Namely the second one: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Graven means carved. So they are following commandments that they are breaking by having a craved stone of them that says they shouldn’t do that.
Yeah, they are disobeying themselves right there.
Also, these are people that believe in Christ protesting right?
Did they read that entire book they carry to church on Sunday? Cause in mine there is the whole “Since Jesus died on the cross, the Old Testament no longer applies, hence the lack of animal sacrifice”. That’s why they don’t have to keep the Sabbath day anymore.
They are protesting for an out of date set of rules already revoked in their religion.
It wouldn’t be so bad if the national news were not focused here.
But it is.
Once again, its laugh at the hick’s time, everyone’s invited.
And Judge Moore is there; smiling and taking his paid suspension, and getting everything he wanted.
Attention.


Sunday, August 17, 2003

3:19 AM

Freddy versus Jason

Or Nightmare on Elm Street 8: Guest staring Jason Voorhees as the Beaver


Yeah, I am doing movie reviews again, school is back in, I have more time to write them and all summer movies are crap anyway, why bother to rip apart a movie that has “produced by Michael Bay” at the start of it. You have to know that summer movies are just to get buts in the seats and not to advance film in anyway or little things like “plot” or “characterization” or things that don’t blow up a lot. They might be entertaining, but they have a high crap factor. Then why am I reviewing one of this summer’s last gasps of big movieness?
Because it is freaking Freddy versus Jason that’s why!
How can I, a lover of horror movies, NOT write this review? Two of the biggest names in horror fighting in a caged match, to the death (well, they always come back so it doesn’t really count as death).
And sure there are some down sides, even though one is not a flaw in the movie but casting, but I think that over all, this movie did what it set out to do. And it stayed with the rules of the two series of movies.
- Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street Checklist-
- Annoying teens that cant really act, check
- Naked girls running around doing stuff they really shouldn’t be doing and getting killed, check
- The asshole guy that you actually cheer when he gets killed, check a couple of times
- Woman doing the backwards run/ fall down and lay down screaming when she could have just out ran the slow moving killer, check
- The reason the main female lead is in the movie is because she is in Nancy’s old house, check
- The anti dream drug that is their salvation, check
- Machete Fu, check
- Razor Glove Fu, check
- Unkillable, mute killing machine that doesn’t like anyone having a good time and you kinda feel bad for him because he died when he was young cause teens didn’t care about him, check
- Theme music for both the killers that creep you out when you hear it, check
- Freddy making some awesome one-liners even though he is a child killer and you really shouldn’t be rooting for him, check
- Jason doing the “dog that does understand what’s going on head turn” that is ever so cute, check
- Freddy fucking with peoples brains, check check check.

My one problem is they got a new guy to play Jason. And yeah, Jason doesn’t really talk, but the new guy moves all wrong to be Jason. Sure this is guy that is built like a brick shithouse, but Jason is supposed to MOVE like a brick shit house. Slow and lumbering, moving like a living Sherman Tank, that can only catch victims by magical teleportation. Didn’t know Jason had that right? Well he does, he has to, or have super speed that only kicks in when the camera is off him. The new guy lacks the miming abilities that come from playing the same character multiple films. The old guy KNEW Jason, this guy moves like Michael Myers, two different beasts. But this is not the films fault, but the filmmakers, so I am willing to give a un biased review even though whoever made the decision to replace Jason has a special place in hell waiting for them next to David Koresh.
Begin non-spoiler review-

The opening of the movie was fantastic, the Freddy music started and faded into the Jason music. We open at the remains of camp Crystal Lake and a young co-ed is going for a late night skinny dip.
Yeah, you know she is going to die. What’s up with the idiots in these movies that keep going to these deserted places that people die at? One would think that all the disappearances would at least give these kill zones a bad rep for the “we just wanna do the dirty grinding and get wasted” people. Anyway, you know what happens, fog comes in, Jason walks up and chick screams and tries to run away. I say tries cause women can’t just run away in these movies. They fall down, stay down, and think about whether or not they should get a Mini Cooper or Dodge Neon as their next car, get up and fall down again. But she really shouldn’t worry about running; she got naked (of her own will) in a slasher horror movie. This means her death is almost assured. All the prime Jason elements are there and then… you realize it’s a little to good, a little too much of a perfect kill for Jason.
Then the recently machetted girl tells Jason how much she needed to die.
What the?
AH you think, it’s a dream.
This is Freddy mind fucking Jason. Turns out the people of Elm Street figured out how to finally rid themselves of the child killer turned dream demon, Freddy Krueger.
Make everyone forget about him. Destroy all the records, put all the kids that saw him or know about him on hynosil to prevent dreaming.
No fear of Freddy= no Freddy getting power from that fear and using it to kill.
Jason is needed to get people afraid, and since Jason is “sleeping” while waiting to hear the wet smacking of teenage love, Freddy can pretend to be Mrs. Voorhees and puppet master the most pissed off goalie ever. That’s the set up. Anything else would give WAY too much away. But you can see how a conflict would arise about that.

Problems with the film and what I think about them-

The fact that the “children” are not really children and not really high schoolers. When I saw the main characters I figured them to be college age not still in high school. None of them could act.
Alright, they couldn’t get real high schoolers cause the girls get naked, and if you like nudity, you have to let that go. Also, NO ONE in any “teen drama” or the like are their proper ages. Everyone in those shows are closer to a mid life crisis than the first high school sock hop or whatever. And this is a B horror movie, no one can act, that’s part of it.

Every girl in this movie (save the Destinys Child chick) had huge fake boobs.
While I like breasts as much as the next man (see Lou Sucks 1) , the breasts in this movie were fake and you could tell it. Not as bad as American Wedding’s strippers o’ plastic, but when the lady is laying down and her breasts are still reaching for the sky in a perfect football shape, there is something up with those ta tas. For me, it was just a reminder this was a movie. How many high school kids could afford boob jobs? What are the odds they would hang out ? We know the gore was fake, or the filmakers would have won an international peace prize for the death of one of the singers of a group that will go nameless but fake breasts ruin the realism for me.

Some have been complaining about the lack of interesting kills in this movie. Well, considering that you have to killers, one of whom just uses what’s around and the other has been weaken for years, the kills are not going to be Final Destination level. The violence and blood and gore were enough thanks.
This is horror/humor, mix of the two.

All in all, good flick, well worth being that which brings these movies back.
WATCH IT!


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