Friday, October 31, 2003

9:21 PM

Halloween Special


In honor of my favorite day of the year, I am writing a two in one review. Wrong Turn staring Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They both have something very interesting in common, cannibal red necks. It appears to be something that people are quite afraid of, with good reason. Red necks themselves are extremely dangerous, even went they aren’t eating you. They can rape you like in Deliverance, they can feed you people ribs like in Fried Green Tomatoes, or they can just hick you to death. Sometimes they offer corn pone opinions and teach you about life, but that is just a lie they use to get you in a position they like. The “squeal like a pig”stance is a sexual position they don’t have in the Karma Sutra, but maybe they should add it. I guess people do have good reason to fear the stupid red necks out there. I live next to them and I admit that they are terrifying, even without anal rapes and cannibalism. Could it be that normal people are terrified of the redneck and this terror is manifested in this movies? That the fear of the unlearned , unwashed masses is something that everyone has to confront sooner or later. I do it on a daily basis, others do it in over the top (if just barely) movies. While I have not personally encountered this killers, they exist in some form down here. People that kill each other over beer, drunken brawls over football teams (college teams, mind you) is something I can see. But these movies also have something else in common, hot young actresses running around in tight white tank tops. Lets go with Wrong Turn first.

Wrong Turn or never ever drive into the woods.

This movie follows most of the horror movie standards. The couple that have sex are the first to die. Those that live in the wilds do not like “city folk” and will kill them for no other reason than a profound hate of their clean smells and good looks. This flick is standard and good horror gore but it has characters that actually use their brains. The bad hicks come home, these people hide. The evil hillbillies are chasing them, and they send one of their number one way, let the ‘necks chase him and then steal the Country Wagon from them. They find a radio and call for help. They run and hide. All but the two that are destined to get together after the movie is over die off in very cool and interesting ways. Axe Decapitation to the jaw line, arrows thorough the chest, barbwire to the throat and jaw, all serious death gags. These rednecks kill large amounts of rich people to use as food, and don’t get caught. They have a field of expensive SUV’s and a freezer full of victims, it would appear that none care about their loved ones in this movie. I guess that if you go far enough into the woods, it doesn’t matter that law enforcement would look for people eventually. And since the three brother inbred super strong brothers are the only people that live in this area of the road, I believe that it would put them at the top of the murderers list. But I guess that it is possible that people are just not aware that people are disappearing by the hundreds in this section of the country, but this is something that I just can’t understand. Oh and in the middle of the killing, the two survivors start making goo goo eyes at each other and in the deleted scenes they make out. Yeah, that what I would do after my closest friends start dying off.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre guest staring the chick from Seventh Sevens breasts. She gets cold, she gets wet and then when you think they can’t be any more exploitive they have her run around and around in BOUNCE-O-VISION. The hillbillies in this flick have a better plan that the ones in Wrong Turn. They own a whole town, including the law enforcement, and use this hide themselves. And the guy that plays the sheriff is AWESOME. He of “what’s your major malfunction solider” fame. He makes the movie. Leatherface, as a villain, loses something when the modern movie makers try to “explain him”. They show him without the mask, show him way to early in the flick for him to be scary in the excellent chase with the chainsaw scene, and give him a skin disease. These things make you feel sorry for him. This is a very stupid course of action. This guy is leather face. He is a killer of massive numbers of people. He cuts them up like cattle or hogs. You should fear him, you should hate him, but you should never actually feel sorry for the man. This is a thing that should not be.
It ruins the damn movie, and that coupled with the lack of the famous dinner scene from the first movie makes this flick a poor remake....wait.....what are those bouncy things?
Are those breasts?
Yes, yes they are , in fact, boobies. Reverend Camden’s eldest daughters dirty pillows are a key part in this movie. Hell, her sewn on jeans make the old man grabbing her ass scene something that all will enjoy. The kids in Wrong Turn at least were smart. In this flick, its all about the sex appeal of the lead and really, I am not seeing it.
I mean, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed or nothing, but I am not exactly tentpoling over this girl either.
This flicks kill order is also way off.
The annoying guy is one of the last to die. Those that almost had sex, are one of the last two to die. Thats not right at all.
But they attempt to make up for this flaw by making the victim characters incredulously stupid.
Like major stupid, like stupid as a sack of stewed potatoes.
They leave weapons behind, go into places that have no exits, and just don’t realize that something is bad wrong WAY early in the flick.
And the movie ends with the saving of a baby.
I guess thats a symbol of rebirth or something.
Damned if I know, I was just trying to figure out why you couldn’t see thorough the wet cold shirt the lead females were wearing.

Happy Spook Day everyone.

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