Saturday, December 13, 2003

1:14 PM

Lou Diamond Philips, actor or prophet?



Good ladies and gentlemen, let me share with you, my vision.
This is a simple vision, one that we can accomplish with very little effort, except spending incredible amounts of money, for precious little gain. But, if we come together and accomplish this task, I shall forever be the badest mofo in the world and able to get the “honeys” or rather Honey star Jessica Alba, which ever comes first. There is much distrust and upsetness in the land, this can not do. We Americans must be a happy people, eager and willing to blindly accept the will of our colander and chief. We are upset now, and more willing to ask questions about the sanity of causing wars all over the globe in the name of peace. The War Criminal Bush the W has suggested another stab at claiming the moon for America and charging the rest of the world fees for use of its gravity. This will be the second time a president has used the moon to distract the nation from what is really going on. Last time, it was to distract the world from JFK, his penis and what he did with it. This time its to get people not to realize that the world will completely go to hell in a couple of years unless someone puts the brakes on the US. That, or they found oil on the moon somehow, either or.
There are many flaws in this plan of logic. Firstly, there are people that believe that we didn’t go to the moon in the first place, and there will be more people that would think a moon shot that is only going to happen to make us feel good about ourselves stinks of being faked. Something has to be done, sure, but not something that would cause only further distrust of the United States Government. Also, this thing will cost an incredible amount of money. Money that would have to be stolen when something that is already cash poor thanks to the ongoing Iraqi War. This is a nation that needs to get to feeling better on a budget. We don’t need a trip to a sound stage to make us feel better. The nation is falling apart, but throwing more money at space is not going to fix it. We need the cure all the ills of the nation in the way that we do these sorta things now.
Its time for this nations greatest buddy comedy ever.
We need a buddy comedy to make us all realize that the American Dream is not dead, merely sleeping. We need a buddy comedy to bring us all together and say “awww”. We need the feel good hit of the decade.
And it has to star myself and Lou Diamond Philips.
Now there are many co-stars that would be ideal for the buddy movie of the decade, but I think since I am coming up with this plan, I should be in it, and Lou Diamond Philips should be there because he is the bad ass among badasses. Come on, the mans wife left him for a woman for gods sake, and he didn’t go on a killing spree.
This alone should cause him to a subject of awe and coolness. He played it up like it was no big thing. HE WAS LA BOMBA FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!
Sure he might not want to be in this movie with an unknown like me. But, a little rope and a lot of duct tape can change his mind. I show up at his house, tase him, and then we are off.
That would make a hell of an opening sequence to, playing something ironic like the shiney shiney people song by REM while I throttle and drag LDP into my car.
Then we would drive the hiways of the nation, driving a classic 60's convertible, top down and the radio blaring. Lou Diamond Philips, tears in his mace filled eyes, begging for release. Myself, plotting the course of our trip, being sure to hit all the interesting hiway tourist traps.
Along the way, LDP and myself will learn a lot about drinking and a little about drunken sex that you think is love at the time but you have to sneak out of the bed before the other person wakes up. Things might be a little harder for Lou Diamond Philips because him being bound and struggling to regain his freedom and distance from me, should be an ongoing theme of the show. It will be a statement on the bounds and shackles that society (me) place on the invidual (LDP). That or dragging around a tied up man over gravel and hot pavement is funny. I think it would be fried gold and would raise the will of this nation up to a point that we would accept whatever the world thinks of us and not care. We would be a nation with the best buddy comedy/road trip picture EVER. The nation would soar thanks to this inspiration. And it would only cost, 15 million tops.
Well, I have to have some spending cash and a film crew, La Bamba works cheap, or at least, he should, Bats anyone?
I could save the nation, without going to the moon, to bad it will never happen. Damn anti kidnapping laws...

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