Wednesday, January 28, 2004

9:44 PM

And now, something completely different. Lou Sucks fiction.

I, Parrot


I don’t have a name. I am not counting the name that is repeatedly yelled in my general direction and I am expected to respond to. I was not consulted in the choosing of this name and therefore I am not claiming it as “mine”. Just because humans have the unnatural desire to name things, does not mean that I have to accept it. If I had been able to pick my name, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen one as inane as “Charlie the Parrot”. It couldn’t have been “Charles the Parrot”, no that would have been far to dignified for these simpletons. I have to permanently be associated with the name you give a slow witted child that tours Chocolate Factories with opium addicts because someone thought it was cute years ago. The only reason I respond to it is to humor the people that seem to think they own me. First off, I am about one hundred and three years old in terms that humans figure time. How can you own a living being that was born before you? I have seen World Wars come and go and have outlived everyone that has ever believed they “owned” me. At the very most, I cohabitate with humans because they are big and loud, and that tends to scare predators away. Most adult humans I can tolerate, as long as they refrain from that “Polly want a cracker” stereotype. Yes I want a cracker, you know it, I know it, lets not play little mind games about it. I really hate the little hatchling humans though. They want to pet me and pull at my feathers, and if I bite them I could get in trouble. So, I have came up with an effective strategy of limiting my exposure to the offspring of humans, I curse. Over the years, after being exposed to the human languages, I have learned the words that they don’t want their children to hear. If I see any child, a stream of obscenities flows from my beak that are strung together in such a way that doesn’t make sense, but more than gets the point across. I have not seen a mini human in 20 years because of this behavior, its fantastic. And because I am just a “dumb old bird” they restrict who has access to me instead of trying to punish me with the old cloth over the cage trick.
I don’t think its night and go to sleep like they think. I just have nothing else better to do with myself than sleep when I can’t see anything. Do they want me to do a little I can’t see anything dance?
I guess that leads me to my major problem with humans. They assume they are the top of the food chain just because they have opposable thumbs and have to wear clothes to cover up the fact they are hairless apes. Nothing that humanity has ever done impresses me as much as the whole scaring away predators thing. And just because they have animals that appear to be under them they think they are so much better than me. First off, birds and fish are not pets as much as they are captives. The outside world is a dangerous place to be and being given protection from it is something that inspires fear, not feelings of loyalty. More so with fish than birds. Birds can always fly away, all fish can to is commit suicide by jumping outside their bowls. With cats, humans are just being allowed to take care of them. The cats don’t need the humans at all. They can fend for themselves if they are any sort of hunter and learn to avoid the roadways. Dogs really don’t count. They have long been called “Man’s best friend” but really all man did for the wolves that decided to befriend humanity is inbreed them into stupidity. Just because man created a race of mentally deficient animals that crave attention and affection doesn’t mean that man is superior. It just means that he is taking advantage of the brain damage he caused. I am not the biggest fan of cats, that whole wanting to eat me bit is something I don’t find endearing, but at least they are not the total suck ups dogs are. Then we have the whole herds of animals they have bred for food. I wonder who made the decision that certain fowl should be pets and other fowl should be in K.F.C. buckets. Humans I am assuming. At some point they picked the pets from the value meals and they expect animals to deal with it. Why do they think they are better than us?
Because they can wage war? Because they have the power to destroy the entire world with the punch of a few buttons? Animals kill to eat or to protect their own, humans kill for reasons that defy all logic. Other than the primates, which do share some characteristics with humanity, animals don’t commit half the sins that humans do. I have lived with these beings for over a century and I still have no idea how their minds work.
It’s a mystery that even the wisest might never solve. I can’t even properly talk to humans. They don’t bother attempting to learn my language like I have learned theirs.
Thank god they at least gave me this silver portal so I could talk to another bird about this. Thanks for listening, now I must go call the cat to my cage and drop food pellets on its head.

my thoughts and rants

current